Sally in The MIX

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

A Thank You to the Young

As a mother and a grandmother for over 50 years, I have noticed that kids are sometimes wiser than we adults. And they are a whole lot more fun.

That’s why I offer the following kids’ thanks for Thanksgiving. They make me laugh and be happy, for which I am thankful.

-“I would like to thank everyone for everything.” Tom, age 4

-“I am thankful for my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my brother, and horses.” Emily, age 8

-“I am thankful for my hamster who makes my sister gag when I forget to clean out the cage.” Harry, age 6

-“I am thankful for my brother when he has to go to summer camp.” Suzie, age 4

-“I’m thankful for my right hand because my left hand sucks at writing.” Brant, age 5

-“I am thankful for everything good – and bad – that has ever happened to me. The good makes the bad OK and the bad isn’t really bad because there is so much good. So maybe I’m really just thankful for the good since there really isn’t any bad. Ugh. I’ve confused myself.” Kenzie, age 9

-“I am thankful that I love everyone in our family, and they love me too.” Lizzy, age 8

-“I’m thankful for Fridays because I don’t have to do any homework.” Steven, age 10

-“I’m thankful for my whole family, dolphins, pandas and snow.” Sophia, age 5

-“I’m thankful for strawberries.” Quinn, age 2 (A child after my own heart.)

-“I’m thankful for trumpets. I’m thankful for numbers. I’m thankful that I am eating. I’m thankful for water. I’m thankful for cups. And for pouring down the faucet.” Bodhi, age 3

-“I’m thankful for air because it keeps us alive.” Levi, age 6

-“I’m thankful for Mommy, apples and pears.” Ellis, age 3

-“I’m thankful for rainbows because they have lots of color.” Sadie, age 5

-“I’m thankful for the world because I like living on it.” John, age 5

-“I’m thankful for all the colors because they help us paint and draw.” Page, age 6

-“I’m thankful for the smell of my grandma’s chicken soup.” Casey, age 7

-“I’m thankful for my mommy who takes care of me when I’m sick and my daddy who is really smart.” Andy, age 5

-“I’m thankful for sunshine because it makes me smile and makes things grow.” Angel, age 6

-“I’m thankful for my blanket because it keeps me warm.” Loren, age 6

-“I’m thankful for the maple tree in my backyard and my pet fish because he makes me comfortable. Nick, age 5

-“I’m thankful for the smell of lavender in my garden.” Abby, age 7

-“I’m thankful for the earth because we don’t have to wear spacesuits to walk on it.” Colton, age 7

-“I’m thankful for my family because I really like them.” Jade, age 5

-“I’m thankful for the sound of a song.” Andrea, age 6

-“I’m thankful for moms and dads because if we didn’t have them we wouldn’t be alive.” Allie, age 7

And I’m thankful for the wisdom of the young.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, November 4, 2016

Words from the Wise on Politics

Vote! Vote! Vote!

I believe in voting. It’s the American way. I also believe in keeping my mouth shut, and my laptop closed, when it comes to talking about the candidates. But I still want to talk about the election.

So what does one do?

I went looking for our own late, great observer of the political scene – Will Rogers. This wise man still makes me laugh out loud.

Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the great Will Rogers:

-“There is only one redeeming thing about this whole election. It will be over at sundown, and let everybody pray that it's not a tie, for we couldn't go through with this thing again.”

-“I'm not a member of any organized political party.... I'm a Democrat.”

-“A fool and his money are soon elected.” 

-“What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.”

-“If you ever injected truth into politics you’d have no politics.”

-“Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.”

-“We cuss Congress, and we joke about 'em, but they are all good fellows at heart, and if they wasn't in Congress, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be even worse.”

-“It's getting so if a man wants to stand well socially, he can't afford to be seen with either the Democrats or the Republicans.”

-“Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials.”

-“You know Lincoln's famous remark about ‘God must have loved the common people, because he made so many of them?’ Well, you are not going to get people's votes nowadays by calling ‘em common. Lincoln might have said it, but I bet it was not until after he was elected.”

-“We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.”

-“This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.”

-“Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians, and I like to watch both of 'em at play, either back home in their native state, or after they've been captured and sent to a zoo, or to Washington.” 

-“And, when the votes are counted, let everybody, including the candidates, get into a good humor as quick as they got into a bad one.”

-“So cheer up. Let's all be friends again. One of the evils of democracy is you have to put up with the man you elect whether you want him or not. That's why we call it democracy.”

-“This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler.”

-“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

I am taking Mr. Rogers’ advice, and shutting up with only one or two last words – Go Vote!

Monday, October 31, 2016

Halloween – A Fun Day

Halloween is a fun day. I loved it when my kids were little, and I love it now. I love Halloween now because it’s the day before CANDY GOES ON HALF PRICE!

Yes, I have been known to go door-to-door at all the groceries in Sallisaw searching for half-price candy on Nov. 1. I confess, I also do the same on the day after Easter. I still have Easter candy in the fridge.

But I didn’t love it when I was a kid. My one memory of Halloween was the one, when I was in elementary school, when Mom decided to dress me up as a gypsy. I was to wear a pair of her fancy earrings. Back then the earrings were not for pierced ears. They all had screw-on backs. So you can guess it was many years ago. Mom was trying to put those earrings on me, when the screw back got off kilter with the screw threads. Mom fiddled and fiddled and fiddled with those earrings, trying to get them to line up correctly. But it didn’t happen. Instead those earrings got tighter, and tighter, and tighter.

I remember screaming. It’s a wonder I didn’t end up with pierced ears. Don’t remember the rest of that Halloween. Maybe I was too traumatized to even go trick-or-treating.

And to this day I will not wear earrings.

But I loved dressing up my kids and grandkids for Halloween. Usually my kids had to wear an old sheet with holes for eyes and a mouth. We didn’t have a lot of money back then, but we had a lot of old sheets.

As a grandma, dressing up Granddaughter Jessie was a delight. Her handmade Tinker Belle costume was the best ever! But I had to re-make the M&M costume when son noticed I had ironed the M on backwards. Oops. Nothing like having to start from scratch on the very day the costume is due!

All families are full of such stories. So I went looking for more.

-The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy.

ME: How true! We had one old lady in our neighborhood who went out to her apple tree and just gave the kids an apple on Halloween. One year my enterprising sons and friends crept into the old lady’s backyard early on Halloween day and stole all the apples, hoping for better treats. All they got was caught, and in trouble.

-Want to hear blood-curdling screams. Tell your wife she has a spider on her shoulder.

ME: Yep. That would be me. Saw a spider on my bed blanket last week. By 6 a.m. I had washed all the blankets but was still bug spraying the bedroom.

-The only thing really scary about Halloween is running out of candy.

ME: I actually know people (and you know who you are), who ate up all the Halloween candy, then, on Halloween night, they had to turn off all the lights and hide in a closet because they had nothing to give the trick-or-treaters, not even apples and raisins.

-Aren't we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?

ME: Well, in defense of all parents, we have to check the candy the best way we can. We eat it!

All right. Trick-or-treaters, and parents, can avoid Halloween mistakes from too-tight earrings to candy theft (mostly) by visiting the Halloween on Elm Street, sponsored by the Sallisaw Police Department on Monday. The show opens at 5:30 p.m. and includes games and bounce houses as well as candy. That way the kids can burn off all (mostly) that sugar before bed. KXMX will be there, and looking forward to seeing all those costumed kids.

Have a safe and fun Halloween.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Marriage Advice from Someone Who Should Know Better

My good friends, Carrol and Linda Copeland who many of you probably know, celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday.

I was not able to attend their anniversary party. It’s a Saturday. I stay in old sweats, and sometimes bed, on Saturdays. But I felt guilty so I offer the following, captured off the internet, as a gift. I hope they laugh.

-A husband and wife were celebrating 50 years of marriage with a big anniversary party. At one point they were toasted, then asked what it’s like to be married for 50 years. The wife, known to have a quick wit, replied, “It all seems like five minutes....under water.”

-“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” 

-Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

-“My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

-“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” – Milton Berle

-“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns

-After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

-When a man steals your wife, there’s no better revenge than to let him keep her.

-A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife.

-Man is incomplete until he marries. Then he is finished.

-The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

-Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

-Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

-If you want your spouse to listen and pay absolute attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

-When a married man says, “I’ll think about it,” what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.

-Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the e-mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

-A man is boasting to his buddies that he is taking his wife to Rome for their 40th wedding anniversary. 
"What will you do for your 50th?" one of them asks.
"I'll go and get her."

And finally. . .

-To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up. - Ogden Nash.

So Happy Anniversary my friends. Perhaps you won’t pay any attention to the above, and probably shouldn’t except to laugh out loud. Laughter, I hear, helps a marriage.

But you’ve made it for 46 years without my help. Congratulations. Wishing you at least another 50, or so. And thank you for being my friends.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Tell Me This Won’t Happen to Us

 All my friends and I seem to be aging at about the same rate at about the same time.

And they share the same aging concerns as I do. . .Will this happen to me?!? Yes, we do worry about what age will do to us.

Witness the following, sent to me by a recently retired friend. He wrote:

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!”

An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' he cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'He got in the back seat by mistake.'

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!” my friend continued to worry.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses. 'Was I going up the stairs or down?’ The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

(Confession:  Yes I have wondered “What in the world am I doing?”)

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!” (Too late!)

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

(Have had to tell several friends they needed to get their hearing checked.  Couldn’t hear their answers though.)

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!”

Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’

His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared and stared at him. Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
(OOPS! Oh good grief! It is happening to us!)

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the interstate. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

This will NOT happen. I signed a pact with adult children that I will not use cell phone while driving. That should save me.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Funny Filosopher’s Measurements Measure Up

One of my Funny Filosophers decided to measure things this week.

His report illustrates just how imaginative the English language is, or how frustrating if you are a non-English speaker.

Enjoy. . .

The Funny Filosopher’s Measurements:

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. Two thousand pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

3. One millionth of a mouthwash = one microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = one bananosecond

5. The weight an evangelist carries with God = one billigram

6. The time it takes to sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = one lite year

8. 16.5 feet in The Twilight Zone = one Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = one semicolon

10. One million aches = one megahertz

11. One basic unit of laryngitis = one hoarsepower

12. The shortest distance between two jokes = one straight line

13. Two thousand mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. One kilogram of falling figs = one Fig Newton

15. One thousands ccs of wet socks = one literhosen

16. Sixteen nickels = one paradigms

17. One million-million microphones = one megaphone

18. One million bicycles = two megacycles

19. Ten cards = one decacards

20. One millionth of a fish = one microfiche

21. One trillion pins = one terrapin

22. Ten rations = one decoration

23. One hundred rations = one C-ration

24. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = one I.V. league.

And if that doesn’t leave you laughing, or at the least a little bit confused about our language, and math, nothing will. But then I was already confused about math.

Have a happy day!

Friday, September 23, 2016

The ‘Shotgun!’ Rules

I am an only child. Strangely, all my first cousins were also the one and only child of their parents.

I don’t know what was going on back then. Maybe it was something in the water. The result was neither I nor my cousins knew about “calling shotgun.”

So when my own three children (maybe the water improved) started “calling shotgun,” they had to explain the rules to me. Of course the rules change quite often, and even expand as the grandchildren begin showing up.

So for all future parents of multiples and grandparents, here are some of the official rules for “calling gunshot,” or, for those still not in the know, this determines who gets to sit in the front passenger seat.

The shotgunner must be in clear sight of the car, and shotgun can be called regardless of whether the driver is in sight of the car.

If you are the first to be picked up on a journey you are automatically given shotgun. You retain this position for the entire journey, unless you violate rules 10, 13, 18 or any other rules stipulating the loss of shotgun.

You cannot declare shotgun if someone has previously declared shotgun for that journey.

When simultaneous shotgun is called, there is then a foot race to the passenger side door from all the people who called.

Shotgun cannot be called while inside a building (unless you are in a multi-story or underground parking garage).

Shotgun cannot be called in advance, only while on the way to the car for the journey.

Once shotgun has been called the driver has the option of a reload. The driver yells “reload” and this means that all previous calls of shotgun are void and the first person to call shotgun again gets the seat. This is helpful if the driver really doesn’t like the person who first called shotgun. It is often used when there is a simultaneous call and the driver is unsure of the outcome. Note that a shotgun has only two barrels so a reload can only be called once.

If the regular driver of the vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given shotgun.

Once the journey has begun, the driver is the controller of the musical entertainment. However if they feel the road requires their full attention, music duty is passed to the shotgunner. However putting on crap tunes or allowing for silence will result in demotion to the back seat.

Anyone calling shotgun must have his or her shoes on. This is to stop people running outside and calling shotgun, then having to go back inside to put their shoes on and slowing the journey. This is known as the Shoe Rule.

Shotgun overrules Dibs and other girly calls!

When travelling with a couple, one of the couple MUST shotgun the front. No one wants to chauffer two of their mates while they are in the back all over each other.

If someone has successfully called shotgun, they have the right to the front seat. They do not have the right to correct the driver on their navigation skills or driving ability. If the passenger does this, then they forfeit their position as shotgun holder.

If someone says, "what’s shotgun?" after it has been called then they have to walk.

If the shotgunner attempts to open the door just as the driver is unlocking it and jams the lock half open so that the driver needs to lock it and unlock it again, the shotgunner forfeits their position. This is known as shotgun suicide.

Automatic "couple's rights act 1997." This law states that, if the driver is the boyfriend/girlfriend of a passenger in the car, that passenger has the right to the seat of their choice.

If one of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed (convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the event of more than one pirate being present, a sword fight shall determine the successful shotgunner. This is known as The Pirate Rule.

When riding in a two or three door car, it is the responsibility of the shotgunner to allow rear passengers in and out of the car, NOT THE DRIVERS regardless of weather conditions.

Obviously the previous rule on the subject didn’t clarify things completely with everyone coming up with a new rule that overrules shotgun. NOTHING overrules shotgun. Shotgun is final and cannot be overruled!

It is the shotgunner’s responsibility to be on the lookout for police and cameras. If the shotgunner doesn't spot a speed camera and this results in a speeding ticket it is immediately their fault and not the drivers.