Black Friday Temptations

Now that eating ourselves silly at the Thanksgiving table is over, it’s on to the Jolly Old Elf season. At last. Everyone else has been at least one, or maybe two, holidays ahead of me. And, you may have noticed, I complain at least once a year about that. Nevertheless, we’re on to Christmas, the gifting season. And I love gift giving. I love it so much, as I’ve reported before, I begin my Christmas shopping on Dec. 26 every year. The deals are incredible. The only problem is my dear family members rarely get what they want. Hey, if it’s not on sale, it does not get bought and parked in my spare bedroom for, at most, 364 days until the next Christmas. The only problem with that, of course, is I forget what’s in there. I’ll confess that on one Christmas a granddaughter got something she was supposed to have received for her birthday months earlier. I remembered that gift when she looked at me quizzically and asked, “What teddy bear?” when I asked her how she liked her new teddy bear. Had to tell her on Christmas day it was THAT teddy bear. And you know what? This fall I found another teddy bear in there. Oops.

Never mind. I am affectionately known as G-G (for great-granny) by four new little kiddies this year. It’s a name I proudly wear, and all those who call me G-G, get great goodies. It’s three-Gs from the 2-G. I am now the proud G-G of four new little ones. All my grandkids have dutifully delivered to us one child each. Yep, three girls and one boy. I am happy. And my role as G-G is to make them happy. And here comes Christmas. (Just made a mental note to check out the spare bedroom before any new purchases.) And right on the heels of Thanksgiving is the dreaded Black Friday! Followed closely for Cyber Monday! Oh no! But I love shopping! Shopping is my hobby! And Clearance Sale is the name of my game. Black Friday is already tempting me beyond sensibility. My gift shopping is done. I have bragged about that, not only here but to my friends and relatives who have not even begun that happy, to me at least, chore yet. (Insert image of me pointing finger at best bud Delanna N. I also love to gloat.) But wait! There are tiny little people out there who are related to me, and need many, many toys. Truthfully, on a recent visit to granddaughter’s house, I could not walk across the living room without setting foot upon a toy. “He’s got everything,” granddaughter moaned. But can I help it if this 18-month-old has a huge, extended family, all of whom dote on him? Nope. So I must shop on!

And this year, all the stores have started Black Friday early. EEK! I have always disdained Black Friday. I do not like the crowds. I do not like another grandma tackling me cause I got the last Woody, from the movie “Toy Story,” on the shelf. Literally. It happened at a K-Mart. Please folks, Go to www.disneystore.com. And if you look closely, some of those great prices can be had at other times of the year. But it’s oh so tempting. I argue with myself. ‘NO. NO. NO.” I recite. Doesn’t work. And ‘Great-grandkid already has enough toys,’ I argue with me. ‘No he doesn’t. NO. NO. NO.’

And it’s not just for the grandkids. Yes, I really want that super mixer on sale for a smidgen of what it costs normally. ‘And,’ I ask myself, ‘What’s to be done with the other two mixers you already own, one of which has never been out of the package?’ ‘Uh yeah,’ I answer myself. ‘But it’s on sale!’ ‘On what piece of kitchen counter space do you plan to park it? There’s none left!’ OK. OK. And I deleted the super mixer off that store’s website shopping bag. My heart is broken.

No it’s not. This particular early Black Friday sale, which is on the internet meaning I don’t have to deal with crowds, is going on through Monday. Ooh. Cyber Monday. I may revisit. And besides that, this particular store has the one and only particular toy my great-grandson needs. And it’s half price. And I make the promise to my four wee ones, “I’ll be back. For I am Super G-G!”

“Now, let’s shop,” I cry as I fly off into the sky, able to fly with my invisible Great-Grandma cape.

Hello Winter!

Hello Winter. We like your shiver-causing chill and falling snow flakes (well, most of the time) during the holiday season, but couldn’t Fall have tarried a while longer. Oklahoma provided us with a Fantastic Fall, enjoyed by all. Lovely temperatures, fanned by a light breeze that cooled us so well we almost forgot Oklahoma’s hot summer.  It’s too early for your arrival Winter. We want Fall to stay with us through Thanksgiving, at least. We need Fall’s just-right afternoon temperatures so we can play football out in the yard after filling up on Thanksgiving’s feast, or at least to know that all outside is well while horizontal on the couch, watching others play football for lots of money. Speaking of football, Winter, your early arrival punted us too quickly into the Christmas season. Good grief. Your too-early cold temps and all that snow got our schedules all confused. I do not need to be singing “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” while still gobbling up all that Halloween candy. Yes, I buy candy for Halloween, but live way out in the country where no little kids come to visit as ghosts and goblins. Oh, occasionally a grandchild use to show up, but they are all grown now and would be terribly embarrassed if they had to wear Halloween costumes. We are hopefully awaiting those G-Gs, otherwise known as great-grandchildren, but until them, I have to dispose of all that candy somehow. And what better way is there than to eat it.

Back to you Winter. So I’m humming Christmas songs while munching on another holiday’s candy and while snow is falling outside my window. And we are not the only ones kicked too early into the Christmas season.  Even before the ghost-and- goblin season, we noticed the Christmas decorations going up in stores. Yes, we have heard the myth that stores depend upon the Christmas season to make a profit from year to year. Is that why Christmas is dangled before our eyes while the Halloween costumes haven’t yet gone on sale? Where has Thanksgiving gone? I like Thanksgiving, and the time we use to bring in the harvest and to give thanks for it. We don’t want Thanksgiving to disappear amid the Christmas hustle and bustle. I like the family gathered around that big country table, laden with the feast. I like the camaraderie, and can even put up with a little sibling snipping if laughter follows. We want Thanksgiving to remain, and to lie around recuperating on the following Friday, not Black Friday shopping that starts on Thanksgiving Day for goodness sakes! Shopping? Yes, shopping is my hobby, and my Christmas shopping starts on Dec. 26, every year. Christmas shopping? Yep. I’m done.

So, Winter. Can you hold yourself at bay just a bit longer? Just give us the time to harvest the pumpkins for Halloween and Thanksgiving’s pumpkin pies, and the time to enjoy our families just because we’re families. Give us the time to give thanks and celebrate together without other holiday stresses. And when that is done, bring on those chilly temps and the snow flakes. We will sing those beautiful Christmas songs clear into the New Year. And that’s why we want Winter and Christmas to arrive on the designated schedule, because arriving too early means we will tire of you quickly. Arriving on time means we will be sustained through Winter’s most cold and harsh season with Christmas joy still in our hearts.

One Great List, or Things I Wish I Had Said

My apologies to readers for not showing up last week. A nasty little cold bug struck, and I was home on the couch, sound asleep when I could after a coughing fit. A lot of sleep and chicken soup, and some high-powered antibiotics saved me, so I’m back, but still in need of a long nap. Wait! That may be due to my age. Oh never mind. I’m back and my head cold has left the premises.

While I was sick and feeling sorry for myself, my friends pitched in with some funny emails, and to make up some time, I’m forwarding them on to you. Read, philosophize, and laugh loudly please. That’s the only way to overcome a nasty head cold, and other interruptions.

­­­*The Rev. Edward Everette Hale when asked if he prayed for U.S. senators:   “No. I look at the senators and pray for the country.”

*Drunk man: “I can’t bear fools.” Dorothy Parker:  “Apparently your mother could.”

*Reporter:  “What do you think of Western civilization?” Mahatma Gandhi:  “I think it would be a good idea.”

*Oscar Wilde after having a rotten cabbage thrown at him on stage:  “Thank you my friend. Every time I smell it, I shall be reminded of you.”

*Babe Ruth, after being told by a reporter that he made more money than President Hoover, “Maybe so, but I had a better year than he did.”

*Mark Twain:  “I’ve never killed a man, but I’ve read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.”

*Abraham Lincoln after being called two faced:  “If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”

*Henry Clay:  “I would rather be right than be president.” Thomas Reed: “The gentleman need not trouble himself. He’ll never be either.”

*Member of British Parliament:  “Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?” Winston Churchill:  “No. It’s purely voluntary.”

*Reporter:  “How many people work at the Vatican?” Pope John XXIII:  “About half.”

*Lewis Morris, after not being chosen for Poet Laureateship:  “There’s a conspiracy against me, a conspiracy of silence, but what can one do?  What should I do?” Oscar Wilde:  “Join it.”

*Mark Twain:  “It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn’t distributed right.”

*Actress: “I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?” Author Ilka Chase:  “Darling, I’m so glad you liked it. Who read it to you?”

*Senator Fritz Hollings when challenged by his Republican opponent, Henry McMastor:  “I’ll take a drug test, if you’ll take an IQ test.”

*Bessie Braddock:  “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.” Winston Churchill:  “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”

*Opera audience member:  “What do you think of the singers’ execution?” Calvin Coolidge:  “I’m all for it.”

*Groucho Marx:  “I never forget a face, but in your case, I will make an exception.”

I think of this list as the best put-down comebacks, or things I wish I had said at the time. Unfortunately, I never think of a good comeback until the next day, when it’s way too late. So, I’m gonna print this list and take it with me, in case a need a clever person to put words in my mouth.