Happy Thoughts for a Happy New Year

New Year’s Resolutions have never been a priority for me. Oh, I’ve made a few over the years, but quickly learned I didn’t follow my resolutions beginning very quickly, usually on Jan. 2. So, why bother?

Thus I had to go looking on the Internet for resolutions, and found the following, followed by my own observations. If you haven’t made any resolutions yourself for 2016, feel free to borrow.

-Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. (Don’t own a nightdress. Much prefer sweats.)

-I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. (Thought that was normal behavior and I didn’t have to make a resolution to do it.)

-I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses. (Too sleepy to accomplish this resolution.)

-I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. (Done.)

-I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water. (Done.)

-I will assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing. (Don’t drink.)

-I will give up chocolates totally. 100 percent. Completely. Honestly. (Yes, I tried this once. Was eating chocolate by Jan. 2.)

-I will try to figure out why I really need nine e-mail addresses. (Oh come on. I’ve only got two!)

-I will stop sending e-mails to my spouse. (Got plenty of emails. Don’t have a spouse.)

-I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. (Children? Work? Incompatible words.)

-I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. (I’m not sure I could do that in the first place!)

-I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. (And that isn’t going to happen.)

-I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. (This actually happened to me over the Christmas holiday!)

-I will think of a password other than "password." (I wish I could remember my passwords!)

-I will not tell the same story at every get together. (Will someone please remind me of that?)

-I won't worry so much. (I worry about worrying.)

-I will cut my hair. (Been thinking that for a year.)

-I will grow my hair. (Been trying that for a year!)

-I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine. (Tell my family that every Christmas!)

-I will be more imaginative. (I am too imaginative!)

-I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number. (This is a resolution obviously made by a man. I actually rang a stewardess button one time just to get her out of this very situation!)

OOPS! I forgot. I did make a New Year’s Resolution this very morning. I resolved, as I brushed my teeth, that I will STOP HUMMING THE STAR WARS THEME IN MY HEAD! Is anyone else having this problem? The good news is I have stopped humming Christmas music.

Happy New Year!

My Holiday Distractions

This holiday is distracting me.

I asked Google about Holiday Distractions, and all I got was “They Can Be Dangerous!”

No joke! OK. I will confess to running at least one red light as I drove down Cherokee in Sallisaw trying to remember if I had enough gifts for all the great-grandkids. I can’t keep up with all the great-grandkids. Their numbers keep increasing. I’m gonna’ have to make a list. And that’s why I ran right through that red light. Thank goodness there were no cars coming, and none of Sallisaw’s finest close by.

I will not confess to all the yellow lights I’ve sneaked through in Fort Smith. That city must have some sort of camera that focuses on my vehicle and which changes the green to yellow just as I enter the intersection. But I can guarantee I’m not the only one complaining about that issue.

Oops. Sorry. Got distracted.

Then there’s the Christmas gift stash piled up in my spare bedroom. As most of my two or three readers know, and all my family and friends know, I start Christmas shopping on Dec. 26 every year. I just cannot pass up a good deal!

While rummaging through the stash just this week I came across multiple items bought 12 months ago that I had forgotten about. Oops. Now I’ve got to count gifts again to make sure all the great-grandkids have the same number of Christmas presents. Dang, I’ve got to start another list. How distracting!

Then there’s the reason I was rummaging through the stash. I lost a gift. Funny thing though, it wasn’t a Christmas gift. It is a birthday gift purchased in August for a good friend who suffers through her birthday in mid-December. Since it’s so close to Christmas, I try to make her birthday gift extra special so her birthday isn’t passed over for the Christmas gifting.

I loved that gift. It was bought with good thoughts and purpose. And now I can’t find it! Friend’s birthday gift got lost in the Christmas gift shuffle, that being the pile of stuff in the spare bedroom.

I got distracted, OK? I distinctly remember gazing at that chosen gift, and patting myself on the back for making such a good choice. Then I put it away in a safe place for my friend’s special day. I got distracted. Now I can’t remember where I put that gift.

I have searched the pile of purchased gifts and found all those gifts bought 12 or more months ago. I have even searched under the chairs and couch in the living room to make sure birthday gift did not just fall off and get shoved under something and out of sight. Amazingly, that’s where I found a wrapped Christmas gift that must have gotten lost last year. I remember asking Darling Daughter how she liked that gift and her “What gift?” response. I just assumed someone else picked it up by mistake.

I have decided it is now a gift to me.

But I have become distracted, again.

With friend’s birthday looming, I gave up on the great search for the lost gift, and went shopping. Yes, my friend does have a birthday gift but not the one of first choice. Maybe she’ll get it for Christmas, this year, or the next, or even the next, or whenever I find it if I don’t get distracted.

Not a Christmas Shopping List

A Nonymous friend is at it again. A Nonymous loves to surf the Internet to find lists of strange but true stuff.

His latest edition is entitled “Questions That Haunt Me.” Oddly, I’ve not thought of many of the following questions.

That leads me to believe that A Nonymous has not much to do but sit around and think. Has he finished his Christmas shopping? Perhaps he has assigned his Christmas shopping list to his wife, which I strongly suspect, while he works on other lists. But OK, for those who have nothing else to do, read on.

Questions that Haunt Me

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see
you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there
is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my favorite -

The statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of serious mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they seem okay, then it's you.

Have a nice day A Nonymous. Now I’m going Christmas shopping.