Sally in The MIX

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Goofs for a Good Laugh

Thank goodness for proof readers.

After almost 40 years in the news business, I am most thankful for proofreaders. However, during those 40 years even the proofreaders missed a few of my goofs. I apologized profusely for those goofs, over, and over, and over. They will not be repeated here.

Still, there is nothing in the news that makes me laugh out loud so much as someone else’s goof. Believing there are a few of you out there who feel the same, the following “unintentional” headline goofs are reviewed. The names of the guilty have been omitted.

-Missippi’s Literacy Program Shows Improvement

-Volunteers Search for Old Civil War Planes

-Correction: The salsa recipe should have read “2 tsp. of cilantro,” not “2 tsp. of cement.”

-Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops off Significantly after Age 25

-Police Reports: 3:56 p.m. – Dispatch reports chicken pot pie running east on Blank Street.

Sometimes, the headline or news error is just because someone was in a great hurry, and didn’t stop to read what was written. For instance, the following may be considered “Duh!” moments.

-Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

-City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells

-Mayor Tells the Homeless: Go Home

-Slowdown Continues to Accelerate

-Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police

-Lunar Eclipse Will Be Broadcast Live on Radio

-Psychics Predict World Didn’t End Yesterday

-Grass Growing Fast After Rain

-State Prisons to Replace Easy-open Locks

-Crocodiles Go Hungry Due to Shortage of Tourists

-Bugs Flying Around with Wings Are Flying Bugs

-City Council Runs Out of Time to Discuss Shorter Meetings

-Researchers: Overeating Can Set Stage for Obesity

-Army Vehicle Disappears: An Australian Army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

-Cemetery Residents Making a Comeback

And then there are those headlines that we believe the writer knew exactly what he or she was doing, and was doing it with tongue in cheek!

-Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself

-Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Gets New Attorney

-County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds

-Meeting on Open Meetings Is Closed

-Fish Need Water, Feds Say

But nothing can be funnier than plain old real life.

-Boy, Age 8, Saves Sister’s Life: He states, “I won’t do it again. She’s been a pain this whole week.”

-Man Kidnaps Ex-girlfriend to Get Ironing Done

-Police Reports: 7:14 p.m. – Caller reported someone was on a porch yelling “help” from a residence. Officers responded and learned the person was calling for a cat named “Help.”

-Police Reports: An elderly motorist, pulled over for speeding, had a vacuum on the dashboard of her car. She told officer her family “told me if I put a Dustbuster in my car that I wouldn’t get a ticket.” Her family had told her she should get a ‘fuzzbuster’ radar detector to warn her of cops.

The ad department is not immune to mistakes or funny takes, as evidenced by the following classified ads.

-Surgeon Wanted for new health clinic. No experience needed. Must have own tools.

-Waitress Needed. Must be 19 years old with 20 years experience.

-For Sale: Soccer ball signed by either Pele, the former Brazilian soccer player widely renowned to be the finest player that ever existed, or by some guy named Peter.

-Cab Drivers Wanted for Nights & weekends. Must have good driving and criminal record. Apply in person.

-FREE: Big box of toys previously owned by a son who sass-talked his mama and is about to learn a life lesson he will never ever ever ever ever ever ever forget.

Hope that satisfies everyone’s need for a Saturday laugh.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Tipsy Squirrels and Videographers

The Huffington Post reported on “Tippy the Fainting Squirrel” this week.

For those in the not-know, The Huffington Post is an on-line newspaper, which must have a thing for squirrels. Found that out when I searched for funny squirrel stuff on line and Huffington Post came up, a lot.

The tipsy squirrel was the latest post. The Post’s video shows a squirrel who apparently has been getting tipsy, on something. Squirrel would nibble on a nut, then fall over. Several readers wondered if the nuts had fermented. We hope the squirrel survived whatever ailed it.

The video reminded me of my own squirrel population, which I have had time to observe lately due to Oklahoma’s fabulous spring that lets me sit on the back porch a lot.

My little 10 acres has two sets of squirrels. The front yard is inhabited by red squirrels who are raucous and belligerent. The back half of the yard is inhabited by one little gray squirrel. Little gray squirrel has a set schedule. She (we decided she’s a she because she’s a little bitty thing) comes out of the horse pasture, scampers across the top of the pasture fence to the feed shed. That’s where she checks for any horse feed that may have been accidentally dropped when Darling Daughter feeds her horses. If no feed is found, she will enter the shed and try to get into the feed itself. When Darling Daughter figured out where her feed was going, she had to buy metal garbage cans with lids to keep critter out.

Feed check done, little gray squirrel climbs to the top of shed, runs back to fence, and sometimes will sit atop gate post just to check things out. Then down she goes to get a drink out of the horse trough. Back up the post, across the shed roof and onto the nearest tree limb is her next step. From the limb it is a short hop to the porch roof.

When I sat on the porch this week I kept wondering what that thump, thump, thump was. It was made clear when little gray squirrel jumped from roof to back yard tree, where the bird feeders are hung. Little gray squirrel was racing across the roof to get to bird feeder tree.

“Aha. I’ve caught you,” I thought, believing I had found the culprit who kept cleaning out my bird feeders on a daily basis. I prepared to give chase.

But no, little gray squirrel just sat down in a tree fork, where apparently rain had accumulated, and took a bath. A big bath. She washed her hands, she washed her face, she combed her whiskers. Then she scratched each of her four armpits, and took many minutes to comb out her tail. Did not know squirrels were so clean.

Then she disappeared behind a limb, and I again prepared to run her away from the bird feeders. But no, again. Little gray squirrel disappeared. Throughout this whole scenario I sat very still, trying not to let little gray squirrel know I was watching. But at this point it dawned on me that I was sitting there with my new phone, which still confounds me, but will take photographs and videos.

I raised phone and gently pushed video button. I wanted evidence of who was eating my bird seed. No squirrel. I panned the area. And there she was. Not on the bird feeder. She had climbed down from the tree, hidden behind the trunk, and moved on to the carport where she was stashing as many maple tree seeds into her mouth as possible. Hum. Gonna’ have to try a seed. Maybe they taste like maple syrup.

Little gray squirrel got her fill, and I got a video. But she does not appear tipsy. I do. That phone is hard to hold, at arm’s length and at an angle. The video dances around like I’m either on the high seas in a small boat, or am a little tipsy myself. I’m not. I promise. I just need practise.

Which I’m sure I’ll get because I’m sure little gray squirrel will be back, and I can video her some more, I hope. If that happens, stay tuned. Little gray squirrel may appear right here, tipsy or not, depending on the videographer, me.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Chicken Gate and Me

As most know, I love to bird watch. It’s one of my semi-retirement pastimes. I have several. In fact I have so many, I may have to cut back. There’s gardening, and movies, and sewing, and crocheting, and grilling (yum), and hanging out with family and friends. I have found there is less time available now than when I worked full time.

Chasing chickens was not on my list of retirement past times or on my bird watching list. Nevertheless, I am now not only watching chickens, I am chasing chickens.

Chicken Gate started when I found my pink bulb garden upended. All those pretty bulbs I planted early this year, and which had sprouted and were producing lovely pink flowers, were found one evening laying on top the garden soil and sadly wilted.

I blamed poor yard dog Reba, who has been known to find a strawberry bed a great place in which to lie when it’s hot outside. So I yelled at Reba. “Sorry Reba,” I apologized. I figured if it wasn’t Reba it was the itinerant armadillo or possum who rooted out my lovely flower bulbs. Sorry armadillo and possum.

It was last week when I finally figured who did what with which in the bulb garden. It was sneaky, thieving chickens, scratching away with those long ugly feet, looking for bugs I guess. They didn’t eat the bulbs. They just dug them up. I chased the flock of chickens off, and they didn’t return for a while. I stuck the bulbs back in the ground, hoping the garden-gate thieves would not return.

But then, lounging away on my back porch one evening this past week I heard that dreaded ‘scratch, scratch, scratch.’ Another chicken was on loose, and in my back yard. But this time it was only one little pullet, all by herself. And she wasn’t in the garden. She was scratching around under a hay pile where I’d last seen a snake. Chickens eat snakes. Hum. That was acceptable. I decided little pullet could stay if she wished. I even through her some bird seed, which she devoured. Hope she was doing the same to the snakes.

Called Darling Daughter and told her we had a chicken, but little chicken wasn’t too keen on being caught and put up in a chicken house. Darling Daughter was delighted. We were all thinking of beautiful, big brown eggs.

Little Chick (yes, she already has a name), wasn’t there the next morning, but she was on the porch searching for left-over bird seed that evening. And Reba didn’t seem to mind. I had thought if foxes and hawks didn’t have a Little Chick for dinner, perhaps Reba would. Nope. Yard dog Reba could care less.

“I expect to come over and find Reba and the chicken curled up together asleep,” Darling Daughter foretold.

Maybe Reba, who is older than me in dog years, just isn’t up to chicken chasing. Me either. Maybe Reba considers herself retired too. I gave Little Chick some more bird feed.

And Little Chick was still with us the next morning. She and a friend, that is. Yep. Two little pullets in my back yard. I’m dreaming of big, brown eggs. Don’t know who these chickens belong to, but as long as they stay out of my flower gardens, I’m claiming them. Had thought of putting up an electric fence around garden, but don’t want to find fried chickens lying about. Or a fried Reba for that matter. And from past experience as a farm girl, I know that gates and fences don’t work well when it comes to chickens. They are chicken gate escape artists.

I told Darling Daughter that I’m too old to take up chicken farming. Grew up on a farm, chasing chickens, and cows, and horses. However, if any more chickens show up, I may become just another farm kid, again, in my retirement years. But this time it will be just one more retirement hobby.

Friday, April 8, 2016

My Back Yard Entertainment

At last – Spring.

No one can fault the absolutely fabulous spring Oklahoma has delighted us with so far. Of course we Okies are always concerned about this early warm weather, but this year’s lovely warmth is so much better than snow and ice that we’ll take it. At least I will.

I take it so well that every evening after work I sit out on the back porch and just enjoy. I’ve raved about Oklahoma’s spring before, and it’s so great I’ve just got to do it again.

And sitting out on the back porch is not boring. It’s like going to the movies, movies with sequels. The dramas are constantly ongoing, especially if anyone, like me, is so into wildlife that bird feeders and feed stations are scattered everywhere in the yard. I should have been a wildlife biologist. The critters just fascinate me.

Take the birds. Or some would say, please take the birds away. No. I’ll keep my own birdies, thanks. Don’t mess with my birds. I might hurt you.

There are so many now, even Darling Daughter, who also likes to watch birds, comments on the noise at my house. My birds are singing their little hearts out this year. I have two sets of cardinals, two sets of woodpeckers, a pair of tufted titmice, too many Carolina chickadees and juncos to count, and a nuthatch who eats upside down and is absolutely adorable.

Then there is the house wren who has moved in, literally. House wren found a hole and has set up housekeeping in the back room. I don’t even let the dog in anymore for fear she will scare the wren so badly that wren abandons the nest built in a box of old clothes.

Then there are the red-winged black birds who have taken over the biggest feeder. They run all the other birds off. I was thinking about running them off, or hoping they would migrate north. Then a huge gray hawk flew in one day and picked out a black bird for lunch, again, literally. That poor blackbird didn’t have a chance to fight back. Now I feel guilty. But the hawk was magnificent, and no longer hungry apparently. I feel guilty I might have set up a smorgasbord for hawks, because several have been sighted.

And then there’s the squirrel who cleans out the bird feeders when I’m not around. I may feel guilty about the hawk eating that blackbird but I don’t feel at all guilty about looking up squirrel stew recipes on the internet.

I feel really guilty about yard dog Reba finding the baby rabbit nest, and eating all those young’uns. But mom is still hopping around the back yard, so we may have more babies, better hidden in the future we hope. And mom is too fast for old Reba to catch.

And those are just the critters who come to visit. My fence row is also home to a dive-bombing mockingbird, one loud-mouthed blue jay family, some bluebirds and a red-headed woodpecker. No signs of any hummingbirds yet, but it may be a little bit too early.

But we want to welcome back that fabulous Oklahoma state bird, the scissortail fly catcher, from wherever it spent the winter. It has returned.

I always think I’m going to sign up for the state or even the national bird count, but I get so busy watching them, I forget to count. Every one of them has a different personality and behavior, and are so much fun to watch. Forget the Backyard Bird Count. Let’s watch the Back Yard Movie.

I love Oklahoma!

Friday, April 1, 2016

No Joke. It’s Sequoyah County Zen!

No joke! Really! I mean this is no joke for April 1.

My Funny Filosophers are still sending out emails because they have nothing else to do in their retirement years I guess. But apparently one has taken up the study of Zen.

What is Zen anyway? Excuse me, I gotta’ go Google Zen.

OK. It’s a form of Chinese Buddhism. Probably need to Google that too, but I would just as soon move on. So here are my Funny Filosopher’s latest teachings.

20 TOP ZEN TEACHINGS 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In
fact, just go away and leave me alone.

2. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

4. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing
a couple of mortgage payments.

5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

8. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.

9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

10. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes
from bad judgment.

12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

13. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither
one works.

14. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

16. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt -
then things just keep getting worse.

17. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

18. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

19. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your worries.

20. What happens when you are scared to death – twice?


Sounds to me like good ole Sequoyah County Zen.