Acid Comments Can Be So True

Good grief! Friends have started making snippy comments. I’m not sure if these comments are directed straight at me, or if friends are beginning to feel the effects of age themselves. These comments are from Acid Aunty. I am not an Acid Aunty or even an Acid Granny. I do not snip at my grandkids.

So at first I was a bit offended. Then I read them. Aha! These are comments are true and sometimes hit the nail on the head. I loved ‘em. Hope you do too.

-I never use my turn signal. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

-If life is a journey, mine is between the refrigerator and the computer. (Me: And the couch.)

-When I have a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children. That’s what it says to do on the bottle!

-Be nice to nurses. They keep the doctors from killing you. (Me: I have two granddaughters, both nurses, who swear this is true.)

-Snow White had the right idea. She moved in with seven guys, who went to work every day, and when she had to clean she whistled and the birds did her chores. (Me: I’ve been working on those birds, filling my bird feeders. They sure do eat a lot.)

-My book club only reads wine labels.

-Instead of cleaning the house, I turn the lights off. (Me: Clean house? At my age? Why bother.)

-I drink coffee for your protection. (Me: Really, really true.)

-Instead of a sign that says, “Do not disturb,” I want a sign that says, “Already disturbed. Proceed with caution.” (Me: Better make some more coffee.)

-Sometimes I panic and think there’s a crazy person in my house. Then I relax. It’s just me.

-I took up photography because it’s the only way I can shoot people and cut off their heads without going to jail. (Me: That is not why I took up photography. But it’s a good idea.)

-I’m on a nut free diet. I avoid people who drive me nuts.

-Age is only a number. Weight is only a number. I hate numbers.

-On some days the supply of legitimate swear words is insufficient. (Me: I have been known to make up swear words. But not because I’ve run out. Swearing was not allowed in my Christian childhood home. If I had to emphasize something, really emphasize it, I had to make it up.”

-I always avoid the things that make me fat, likes scales, mirrors and photographs.

-I always offer two meals – take it or leave it. (Me: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Country Philosopher Imparts Opinions

My Country Philosopher has published again. I find his thoughts so provocative, that I can’t resist sharing. So here you are. . .the best mind meanderings of Sequoyah County’s Country Philosopher. (With a few of my own thoughts thrown in.)

-You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have one of those. (Me: Can’t count the times I’ve had to apologize for those things that just pop out of my mouth!)

-Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat bacon! (Me: They say plants can scream, and I’ve often thought why isn't that pointed out to vegetarians?)

-The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers. (Me: Oh dear! Never thought of that before.)

-My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work. (Me: Based on previous thought, am now praying for tolerance.)

-I’m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand. (Me: So true.)

-So when is this “Old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? (Me: Are we referring to me or my children?)

- Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, “Who ties your shoelaces for you?” (Me: Are we talking about presidential candidates?)

-I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. (Me: Oh, we’re discussing Presidential candidates’ speeches.)

-Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent! (Me: So we are discussing the current presidential race again!)

-I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. (Me: A reference I’m sure to my lack of computer and smart phone skills.)

-I hate it when the voices in my head go silent. I never know what they are planning. (Me: I can supply psychiatrists’ phone numbers!)

-I’m not lazy. I just really enjoy doing nothing. (Me: Oh yeah!)

-When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. It’s only difficult for others. It’s the same way when you’re stupid. (Me: I know I heard a presidential candidate use the word “stupid.”)

-If people could read my mind I’d get punched in the face a lot. (Me: Keeping mouth shut!)

-Calm down, take a deep breath, and hold it for about 20 minutes. (Me: Ha, ha. I can count.)

-I never argue. I just explain why I’m right. (Me: Sounds like something my children would say.)

-I speak my mind because it hurts to bit my tongue all the time. (Me: Working hard on keeping mouth shut.)

-Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are! (Me: Are we discussing the presidential race again!?!)

Powerball and Football

It seems our lives, at least mine, has been all Powerball and football lately.

No, I didn’t win that $1.5 billion Powerball on Wednesday. I did have four tickets, purchased with the money I won at the previous drawing last Saturday. That drawing left me with one red Powerball which I promptly reinvested. Should have kept that $12. But I’m only out $3, so I’m not very far in the hole.

Still, it’s fun to fantasize about “What I would do if I won the lottery.” For the past two weeks, that’s been everyone’s favorite topic. What would I do? Pay the bills and go to Disney World!

Now football is another matter, and yes, I confess, I spent most of last weekend glued to the TV, hoping the best for my favorite teams.

And I plan to do the same Saturday and Sunday, even though there are only half the games to watch. Yes, I am pro football addicted. So much so that some of my acquaintances laugh out loud at me in the summer when I complain that “I NEED FOOTBALL!”

On the other hand, I think my two sons are quietly proud that their mom can talk a little bit about football and not shame them when doing so. Hey, it runs in the family. I got my love of football from my dear Dad who spent every fall Sunday afternoon in front of the TV. He taught me to love the game.

That’s not true of all women.

Phyllis Diller once said, “The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

Erma Bombeck had even worse opinions of football. She said, “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half time takes 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”

And, “If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

And, “The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I’ve ever seen that I didn’t have to clean.”

But oh how times have changed since I was a young woman falling in love with football. Now women and football are all the rage. A recent report indicated that American football is only growing because women have begun watching.

Hey, women sportscasters now line the sidelines to interview coaches and players. One woman has been hired as a coach and another has put on a zebra-striped uniform. There is a female football league, I think, and Sandra Bullock knows all about college football in “The Blind Side.”

And oh yeah, manufacturers have figured out that women are the ones who buy those fans football jerseys, and have begun making them just for the female fans. I know, because I am one and I shop. And yes, I have team shirts.

Women are giving a voice to their love of football too. One of my favorites is, “Real women watch football. But beautiful, smart, sexy, totally awesome women love the Denver Broncos” and Peyton Manning. And that would pretty much be me. I mean about watching football and loving the Broncos and Peyton Manning. No comment on beautiful, smart and sexy.

Another comment describes me more accurately. “All spring and fall, she was a classy lady. Then football season started.”

Well, I shall try to keep my class. Congratulations to all those Powerball winners, even though it wasn’t me. And congratulations to all those who win football games this weekend, as long as it isn’t the Patriots. Go teams Go!

Too Dumb for a Smart Phone

I’m too dumb for a smart phone. I like my dumb phone. It’s small, simple and sweet.

But, it’s hard to turn down a Christmas gift from Darling Daughter, who decided I needed a smart phone, and delivered to me a top-of-the-line phone for Christmas.

She’s not the only one who thought I need a smart phone. Everyone I know, from the boss to the family, has advised me I need a smart phone. Smart phones have so many more options than my little dumb phone, I was told. One of those was the fact my little dumb phone wouldn’t, or couldn’t, take or receive photos. It also wouldn’t talk to some other phones, which we could never figure out.

It does have good attributes. People have complemented me on my tiny cell phone and wanted to know where I got it. Apparently the new smart phones are too big. My dumb phone size has come full circle. My dumb phone is simple. Three or four buttons and you’re done. And I can text so good my grandchildren brag on me. Unfortunately, I’ve had my little dumb phone for so long, and love to text so much, that my fingernails have chipped the coverings right off the letter pad. And sweet little dumb phone has no long, complicated contract I must adhere too. Pay up and you’re done.

Now here comes my new smart phone. As for as cost goes, my little dumb phone can’t beat it. Smart phone is free. OK. I’m gonna’ save some money.

Smart phone is huge, but I can still get it in my purse. OK. That is acceptable.

But it has all these buttons. Hundreds of buttons. And the first night all it did was blink at me. Nobody has figured out why it blinked at me. Seems my smart phone’s buttons are different from other smart phone buttons. After an extensive search on the internet, it was finally revealed that that little green blinking button was to tell me I had an alert. An alert to what I have still not figured out. It could possibly have been an email or text.

Mail. I live by text messaging. I love texts. They are short, sweet and to the point. Smart phone has tiny little keyboard my fingers are apparently too big to hit correctly. Have not yet been able to send a correctly spelled text message.

Then I found the microphone button. Wow. I can talk my texts. And I do. I talk and talk and talk. I love that microphone button. Can text forever and not type a thing. Friends and family might not like my new texts, cause I go on and on and on. Family has learned they should not give grandma a microphone, cause she won’t shut up. Sometimes smart phone doesn’t quite understand what I’m saying, and sends a bit of nonsense, but I also found the correct-it button, so I’m good.

Will confess I’m still having a bit of trouble figuring out how to answer a phone call, but I will eventually figure it out.

Funny thing though, I thought smart phone would come with a how-to manual. Nope. No little complicated book on what to do or how to use all those other buttons. So back to the internet, where I found out that if you want a manual on how to use your new smart phone, you have to pay for it. What!?! Yep. $20 or more. No thank you. I’ll do this myself!

So off into the new-to-me technology world I go, armed now with a smart phone that is smarter than me. “Don’t worry mom,” Darling Daughter encourages me. “You will figure it out. We all did.” Her final bit of advice was, “Ignore all those buttons. You don’t need them.”

And I’m gonna’ take that advice. I can text, surf the internet (oh joy), listen to music, take photos and talk at family and friends. Hey, maybe I’m not so dumb after all.

Happy Thoughts for a Happy New Year

New Year’s Resolutions have never been a priority for me. Oh, I’ve made a few over the years, but quickly learned I didn’t follow my resolutions beginning very quickly, usually on Jan. 2. So, why bother?

Thus I had to go looking on the Internet for resolutions, and found the following, followed by my own observations. If you haven’t made any resolutions yourself for 2016, feel free to borrow.

-Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. (Don’t own a nightdress. Much prefer sweats.)

-I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. (Thought that was normal behavior and I didn’t have to make a resolution to do it.)

-I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses. (Too sleepy to accomplish this resolution.)

-I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. (Done.)

-I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water. (Done.)

-I will assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing. (Don’t drink.)

-I will give up chocolates totally. 100 percent. Completely. Honestly. (Yes, I tried this once. Was eating chocolate by Jan. 2.)

-I will try to figure out why I really need nine e-mail addresses. (Oh come on. I’ve only got two!)

-I will stop sending e-mails to my spouse. (Got plenty of emails. Don’t have a spouse.)

-I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. (Children? Work? Incompatible words.)

-I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. (I’m not sure I could do that in the first place!)

-I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. (And that isn’t going to happen.)

-I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. (This actually happened to me over the Christmas holiday!)

-I will think of a password other than "password." (I wish I could remember my passwords!)

-I will not tell the same story at every get together. (Will someone please remind me of that?)

-I won't worry so much. (I worry about worrying.)

-I will cut my hair. (Been thinking that for a year.)

-I will grow my hair. (Been trying that for a year!)

-I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine. (Tell my family that every Christmas!)

-I will be more imaginative. (I am too imaginative!)

-I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number. (This is a resolution obviously made by a man. I actually rang a stewardess button one time just to get her out of this very situation!)

OOPS! I forgot. I did make a New Year’s Resolution this very morning. I resolved, as I brushed my teeth, that I will STOP HUMMING THE STAR WARS THEME IN MY HEAD! Is anyone else having this problem? The good news is I have stopped humming Christmas music.

Happy New Year!

My Holiday Distractions

This holiday is distracting me.

I asked Google about Holiday Distractions, and all I got was “They Can Be Dangerous!”

No joke! OK. I will confess to running at least one red light as I drove down Cherokee in Sallisaw trying to remember if I had enough gifts for all the great-grandkids. I can’t keep up with all the great-grandkids. Their numbers keep increasing. I’m gonna’ have to make a list. And that’s why I ran right through that red light. Thank goodness there were no cars coming, and none of Sallisaw’s finest close by.

I will not confess to all the yellow lights I’ve sneaked through in Fort Smith. That city must have some sort of camera that focuses on my vehicle and which changes the green to yellow just as I enter the intersection. But I can guarantee I’m not the only one complaining about that issue.

Oops. Sorry. Got distracted.

Then there’s the Christmas gift stash piled up in my spare bedroom. As most of my two or three readers know, and all my family and friends know, I start Christmas shopping on Dec. 26 every year. I just cannot pass up a good deal!

While rummaging through the stash just this week I came across multiple items bought 12 months ago that I had forgotten about. Oops. Now I’ve got to count gifts again to make sure all the great-grandkids have the same number of Christmas presents. Dang, I’ve got to start another list. How distracting!

Then there’s the reason I was rummaging through the stash. I lost a gift. Funny thing though, it wasn’t a Christmas gift. It is a birthday gift purchased in August for a good friend who suffers through her birthday in mid-December. Since it’s so close to Christmas, I try to make her birthday gift extra special so her birthday isn’t passed over for the Christmas gifting.

I loved that gift. It was bought with good thoughts and purpose. And now I can’t find it! Friend’s birthday gift got lost in the Christmas gift shuffle, that being the pile of stuff in the spare bedroom.

I got distracted, OK? I distinctly remember gazing at that chosen gift, and patting myself on the back for making such a good choice. Then I put it away in a safe place for my friend’s special day. I got distracted. Now I can’t remember where I put that gift.

I have searched the pile of purchased gifts and found all those gifts bought 12 or more months ago. I have even searched under the chairs and couch in the living room to make sure birthday gift did not just fall off and get shoved under something and out of sight. Amazingly, that’s where I found a wrapped Christmas gift that must have gotten lost last year. I remember asking Darling Daughter how she liked that gift and her “What gift?” response. I just assumed someone else picked it up by mistake.

I have decided it is now a gift to me.

But I have become distracted, again.

With friend’s birthday looming, I gave up on the great search for the lost gift, and went shopping. Yes, my friend does have a birthday gift but not the one of first choice. Maybe she’ll get it for Christmas, this year, or the next, or even the next, or whenever I find it if I don’t get distracted.

Not a Christmas Shopping List

A Nonymous friend is at it again. A Nonymous loves to surf the Internet to find lists of strange but true stuff.

His latest edition is entitled “Questions That Haunt Me.” Oddly, I’ve not thought of many of the following questions.

That leads me to believe that A Nonymous has not much to do but sit around and think. Has he finished his Christmas shopping? Perhaps he has assigned his Christmas shopping list to his wife, which I strongly suspect, while he works on other lists. But OK, for those who have nothing else to do, read on.

Questions that Haunt Me

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see
you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there
is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my favorite -

The statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of serious mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they seem okay, then it's you.

Have a nice day A Nonymous. Now I’m going Christmas shopping.