Happy Thoughts for a Happy New Year

New Year’s Resolutions have never been a priority for me. Oh, I’ve made a few over the years, but quickly learned I didn’t follow my resolutions beginning very quickly, usually on Jan. 2. So, why bother?

Thus I had to go looking on the Internet for resolutions, and found the following, followed by my own observations. If you haven’t made any resolutions yourself for 2016, feel free to borrow.

-Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. (Don’t own a nightdress. Much prefer sweats.)

-I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. (Thought that was normal behavior and I didn’t have to make a resolution to do it.)

-I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses. (Too sleepy to accomplish this resolution.)

-I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. (Done.)

-I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water. (Done.)

-I will assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing. (Don’t drink.)

-I will give up chocolates totally. 100 percent. Completely. Honestly. (Yes, I tried this once. Was eating chocolate by Jan. 2.)

-I will try to figure out why I really need nine e-mail addresses. (Oh come on. I’ve only got two!)

-I will stop sending e-mails to my spouse. (Got plenty of emails. Don’t have a spouse.)

-I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. (Children? Work? Incompatible words.)

-I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. (I’m not sure I could do that in the first place!)

-I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. (And that isn’t going to happen.)

-I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. (This actually happened to me over the Christmas holiday!)

-I will think of a password other than "password." (I wish I could remember my passwords!)

-I will not tell the same story at every get together. (Will someone please remind me of that?)

-I won't worry so much. (I worry about worrying.)

-I will cut my hair. (Been thinking that for a year.)

-I will grow my hair. (Been trying that for a year!)

-I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine. (Tell my family that every Christmas!)

-I will be more imaginative. (I am too imaginative!)

-I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number. (This is a resolution obviously made by a man. I actually rang a stewardess button one time just to get her out of this very situation!)

OOPS! I forgot. I did make a New Year’s Resolution this very morning. I resolved, as I brushed my teeth, that I will STOP HUMMING THE STAR WARS THEME IN MY HEAD! Is anyone else having this problem? The good news is I have stopped humming Christmas music.

Happy New Year!

My Holiday Distractions

This holiday is distracting me.

I asked Google about Holiday Distractions, and all I got was “They Can Be Dangerous!”

No joke! OK. I will confess to running at least one red light as I drove down Cherokee in Sallisaw trying to remember if I had enough gifts for all the great-grandkids. I can’t keep up with all the great-grandkids. Their numbers keep increasing. I’m gonna’ have to make a list. And that’s why I ran right through that red light. Thank goodness there were no cars coming, and none of Sallisaw’s finest close by.

I will not confess to all the yellow lights I’ve sneaked through in Fort Smith. That city must have some sort of camera that focuses on my vehicle and which changes the green to yellow just as I enter the intersection. But I can guarantee I’m not the only one complaining about that issue.

Oops. Sorry. Got distracted.

Then there’s the Christmas gift stash piled up in my spare bedroom. As most of my two or three readers know, and all my family and friends know, I start Christmas shopping on Dec. 26 every year. I just cannot pass up a good deal!

While rummaging through the stash just this week I came across multiple items bought 12 months ago that I had forgotten about. Oops. Now I’ve got to count gifts again to make sure all the great-grandkids have the same number of Christmas presents. Dang, I’ve got to start another list. How distracting!

Then there’s the reason I was rummaging through the stash. I lost a gift. Funny thing though, it wasn’t a Christmas gift. It is a birthday gift purchased in August for a good friend who suffers through her birthday in mid-December. Since it’s so close to Christmas, I try to make her birthday gift extra special so her birthday isn’t passed over for the Christmas gifting.

I loved that gift. It was bought with good thoughts and purpose. And now I can’t find it! Friend’s birthday gift got lost in the Christmas gift shuffle, that being the pile of stuff in the spare bedroom.

I got distracted, OK? I distinctly remember gazing at that chosen gift, and patting myself on the back for making such a good choice. Then I put it away in a safe place for my friend’s special day. I got distracted. Now I can’t remember where I put that gift.

I have searched the pile of purchased gifts and found all those gifts bought 12 or more months ago. I have even searched under the chairs and couch in the living room to make sure birthday gift did not just fall off and get shoved under something and out of sight. Amazingly, that’s where I found a wrapped Christmas gift that must have gotten lost last year. I remember asking Darling Daughter how she liked that gift and her “What gift?” response. I just assumed someone else picked it up by mistake.

I have decided it is now a gift to me.

But I have become distracted, again.

With friend’s birthday looming, I gave up on the great search for the lost gift, and went shopping. Yes, my friend does have a birthday gift but not the one of first choice. Maybe she’ll get it for Christmas, this year, or the next, or even the next, or whenever I find it if I don’t get distracted.

Not a Christmas Shopping List

A Nonymous friend is at it again. A Nonymous loves to surf the Internet to find lists of strange but true stuff.

His latest edition is entitled “Questions That Haunt Me.” Oddly, I’ve not thought of many of the following questions.

That leads me to believe that A Nonymous has not much to do but sit around and think. Has he finished his Christmas shopping? Perhaps he has assigned his Christmas shopping list to his wife, which I strongly suspect, while he works on other lists. But OK, for those who have nothing else to do, read on.

Questions that Haunt Me

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up
like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see
you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there
is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my favorite -

The statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of serious mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they seem okay, then it's you.

Have a nice day A Nonymous. Now I’m going Christmas shopping.

Happy Holidays, with Lots of Pie!

People leave things in their shopping carts now days. If I find myself forced to choose a shopping cart with leftovers I usually pick up whatever it is with a tissue and drop it in the nearest trash.

But that wasn’t the case this past week when I had an urgent hunger for a pumpkin pie and grabbed the nearest shopping cart at Walmart. The cart contained a former shopper’s Thanksgiving shopping list.

I declare now I want to go to this woman’s Thanksgiving dinner.

Always inquisitive (otherwise known as nosy) I took a peek at that piece of paper in my cart. It had to be the forgotten list of a female shopper. The handwriting was too neat. No man writes a grocery shopping list in handwriting that is neat as a pin.

Reading her list, it was apparent this woman was the dessert cook for her dinner. She had to buy SIX (count ‘em) SIX graham cracker crusts. Next on the list was (oh good grief) cream cheese times 12. . .12! Right behind that was six cans of condensed milk. Oh Yum!

Then she had to buy blueberry, cherry, lemon and pineapple pie fillings! That was followed by dried beef times 3 and green onions times 3 and five pounds of potatoes.

Obviously this woman was making my kind of Thanksgiving dinner . . . cheese balls, maybe mashed potatoes and a whole bunch of pies. Pies! I love pies!

Where is this woman!?! I need her! Yes, I kept her shopping list. It is so much like my own (except for the number of pies) I thought gee, I can save time using her list. And we all need more time at this time of year. And this neat-writing, super Thanksgiving cook, I thought, must have lots of time, or maybe a whole lot more energy than me. Because at this time of year it’s run-run-run and do-do-do. There’s so much to do on the to-do list!

Then I felt a little guilty about my bakery-made pumpkin pie. Didn’t make it from scratch, but I had awoken in the middle of the night with an overwhelming need for a pumpkin pie, and I’m not too good at making pies at 3 a.m. I always have a hunger for a pumpkin pie at this time of year. It’s just once and just at this time of year, at Thanksgiving.

So I lined up in the check-out line with my pie and Cool Whip feeling a bit wanting, not up to the chores ahead, that is making a family Thanksgiving. And, as so often happens in a small town, I knew the checker. Everyone knows everyone in a small town. That’s why I live here.

And as I put my not-homemade pie in the cart I wished her “Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Happy Easter,” she replied.

“Uh,” I responded. “Are you getting a little ahead of time on purpose?”

She broke out laughing. “I’m sorry. I mean Happy Thanksgiving!”

Think my friend was feeling the stress and pressure of the holiday too.

“That’s OK,” I said. “If you want to skip winter and move on to spring and Easter, that’s fine with me. In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving.”

So here’s to all – Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, have a Happy Easter, and we’ll throw in a great Fourth of July too. And may all your pies be perfect!

Who You Gonna' Call? Butterball!

Turkey Day looms. And how stressful that is, or was. I cooked turkeys for many years for the family. Then I got tired of it and handed the oven mitts over to the kids.

For too many years to count, I slaved away in the kitchen while the kids and grandkids played and partied in the living room. I grew tired. I quit. And the kids took over the feast-cooking chores quite well. I do try to hang out in the kitchen with the chief cook a little bit just to ease the stress, but there is really nothing that will ease the stress of cooking that big, big bird, something you only do once or twice a year.

A friend related to me just this week some of the desperate phone calls made to the Butterball Turkey-Talk Hotline during the holidays. They reminded me of my own years as a prisoner of the kitchen. So I got online and looked them up.

And I laughed so hard at the following, tears rolled down my face. Enjoy the frantic calls from the turkey cook.

*“Should I remove the plastic wrap before I cook the turkey?” Uh, yes.

*“I don’t want to touch the giblets. Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?” Not a good idea but yes.

*“The turkey in my freezer is 23 years old. Is it safe to eat?” Uh, not a wise choice.

*“I don’t want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?” Uh, throw turkey away and go out to eat.

*“I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill the harmful bacteria?” Throw turkey away and go out to eat.

*“Can I cook the turkey on the engine block of my semi while I’m driving? If I drive faster, will it cook faster?” Um, no.

*“My chihuahua crawled in the turkey and I can’t get him out!” Caller was told how to enlarge cavity to rescue dog. Roasted chihuahua is not a good substitute for turkey.

*“My turkey has no breast meat.” Uh, turn it over. (Cook did find the breast meat.)

*Butterball staff member asked woman what state her bird was in, meaning how thawed was it. Cook responded, “Florida.”

*“The directions say to roast the turkey but my oven only has bake or broil. How do I set it?” Bake will do it.

*“Can I thaw the frozen turkey using a hair dryer? Or wrap it in an electric blanket? Or in the aquarium? In the bathtub while kids are taking a bath?” No, No, No and No.

*“How long will it take to roast the turkey?”

How much does it weigh?

Answer: “I don’t know. It’s still running around outside.”

And finally, the most frightening question of all:

A young woman called the turkey hot-line from where she was hiding in the closet. Her question was, “My mother and my mother-in-law are in the kitchen. One says the turkey is done and one says it isn’t. What do I do?”

There is no answer listed, perhaps because even the experts do not want to get between the mother and the mother-in-law.

OK. I’ll make my one turkey confession. Yes, one year, I forgot to remove the neck and giblets. But hey, everything got cooked, and the dog sure like those giblets.

Here’s hoping your turkeys are perfect, and you have no leftovers. And, if all else fails, call 1-800-BUTTERBALL.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Where's Thanksgiving Dinner!?!

WHAT!?!

No annual Turkey Dinner at Sallisaw’s First United Methodist Church!?!

That information disrupted my day totally. I was in a tizzy! What to do? What to do?

It was panic-attack time. The holidays do not officially arrive until Sallisaw’s First United Methodist Church holds its annual Thanksgiving Dinner. I’ve lived here 35 years and have had 35 First United Methodist Church turkey dinners.

In fact, I owe the church one fork. I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, one year, I got away with a Methodist fork. It’s been in my pickup truck for years. I have good intentions of giving it back some day.

When informed by the First United Methodist Church secretary via phone that there would be no turkey dinner, I think I screamed but the nice lady quickly informed me, “It’s OK. The ladies at First Assembly have taken over the dinner.”

A call to First Assembly nearly caused another panic.

“WHAT?” the church secretary responded. I think I scared her. I think she immediately envisioned herself having to roast 200 turkeys and whip up a whole lot of pumpkin pies. “No. No. No,” she told me.

But then where was Sallisaw’s community turkey dinner? Daughter already had tickets, she just didn’t tell me where it was.

First Assembly secretary called me back. I have discovered a new technique. If you need an answer to a question, scare the subject to whom you have posed the question. They will find the answer very quickly.

“The dinner is at Oakridge Assembly,” she told me.

At last, my quest for a turkey dinner had reached its goal. I called the church, and took photos of the ladies cooking, and I just finished eating there. (I need a nap!) It was delicious.

But the United Methodist Women (UMW) surrendering their Thanksgiving aprons still puzzled me. I called Anne Bottorff of the UMW at Sallisaw’s First United Methodist Church.

“We hated giving it up,” she said. “We truly did. It was a heart-rending thing but there comes a time when you just have to quit.”

For 43 years, the UMW ladies have been cooking Sallisaw’s community Thanksgiving dinner. The money raised went to their many missions and projects.

“We truly struggled with the decision,” Anne explained “but we're aging, we’ve lost some people, and the high number of meals was overwhelming. The cleanup was horrendous and the recuperation was, well, long.”

I countered, “It was a tradition!”

“Yes,” Anne said. “That’s the funny part. It is a community tradition.”

But, she concluded with, “I’m tired.”

OK. I get it. I understand. Even after cooking my own family’s Thanksgiving dinner for some 40 or so years, I had the same reaction. I told them, “I’m tired,” and I handed the dinner over to Darling Daughter, who has spent the last week planning that family Thanksgiving dinner. Thank goodness for those we can hand over the traditions too.

And thank you to the ladies of the UMW for 43 years of good eating and friendship. I promise I’ll bring the fork back, some day.

Unhappy Hubby's Tales about Wives

Oh dear. As I write this, it is almost Friday the 13th. No bad luck I hope. Oh well. . .

Oh well. . .for my guest author today. Ha.

Several of my friends like to tell jokes by email, some of which cannot be published in mixed company and before youngsters who know how to use a computer, and which one of them doesn’t now days?

The following friend and author must have had a bad day, or an argument with spouse, or maybe was just in a bad mood, because all he wanted to do was tell bad jokes about wives.

Read, laugh out loud, but DO NOT email me. I didn’t write the following. He did!

Avocados

 A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

Water in the Carburetor 

Wife: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?”

Wife: "In the pool."

Frightening Statistic
This is a frightening statistic, probably one of the most worrisome in recent years.

Twenty-five percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That’s scary. It means 75 percent are running around untreated.

The Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "How do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" 

He Must Pay

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
 

Today's Short Reading from the Bible

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

And so we dedicate this week’s blog to our Unhappy Hubby Writer, who is going to have lots and lots of bad luck when it comes to his own wife. Oh dear.