One Great List, or Things I Wish I Had Said

My apologies to readers for not showing up last week. A nasty little cold bug struck, and I was home on the couch, sound asleep when I could after a coughing fit. A lot of sleep and chicken soup, and some high-powered antibiotics saved me, so I’m back, but still in need of a long nap. Wait! That may be due to my age. Oh never mind. I’m back and my head cold has left the premises.

While I was sick and feeling sorry for myself, my friends pitched in with some funny emails, and to make up some time, I’m forwarding them on to you. Read, philosophize, and laugh loudly please. That’s the only way to overcome a nasty head cold, and other interruptions.

­­­*The Rev. Edward Everette Hale when asked if he prayed for U.S. senators:   “No. I look at the senators and pray for the country.”

*Drunk man: “I can’t bear fools.” Dorothy Parker:  “Apparently your mother could.”

*Reporter:  “What do you think of Western civilization?” Mahatma Gandhi:  “I think it would be a good idea.”

*Oscar Wilde after having a rotten cabbage thrown at him on stage:  “Thank you my friend. Every time I smell it, I shall be reminded of you.”

*Babe Ruth, after being told by a reporter that he made more money than President Hoover, “Maybe so, but I had a better year than he did.”

*Mark Twain:  “I’ve never killed a man, but I’ve read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.”

*Abraham Lincoln after being called two faced:  “If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”

*Henry Clay:  “I would rather be right than be president.” Thomas Reed: “The gentleman need not trouble himself. He’ll never be either.”

*Member of British Parliament:  “Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?” Winston Churchill:  “No. It’s purely voluntary.”

*Reporter:  “How many people work at the Vatican?” Pope John XXIII:  “About half.”

*Lewis Morris, after not being chosen for Poet Laureateship:  “There’s a conspiracy against me, a conspiracy of silence, but what can one do?  What should I do?” Oscar Wilde:  “Join it.”

*Mark Twain:  “It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn’t distributed right.”

*Actress: “I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?” Author Ilka Chase:  “Darling, I’m so glad you liked it. Who read it to you?”

*Senator Fritz Hollings when challenged by his Republican opponent, Henry McMastor:  “I’ll take a drug test, if you’ll take an IQ test.”

*Bessie Braddock:  “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.” Winston Churchill:  “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”

*Opera audience member:  “What do you think of the singers’ execution?” Calvin Coolidge:  “I’m all for it.”

*Groucho Marx:  “I never forget a face, but in your case, I will make an exception.”

I think of this list as the best put-down comebacks, or things I wish I had said at the time. Unfortunately, I never think of a good comeback until the next day, when it’s way too late. So, I’m gonna print this list and take it with me, in case a need a clever person to put words in my mouth.