The ‘Shotgun!’ Rules

I am an only child. Strangely, all my first cousins were also the one and only child of their parents.

I don’t know what was going on back then. Maybe it was something in the water. The result was neither I nor my cousins knew about “calling shotgun.”

So when my own three children (maybe the water improved) started “calling shotgun,” they had to explain the rules to me. Of course the rules change quite often, and even expand as the grandchildren begin showing up.

So for all future parents of multiples and grandparents, here are some of the official rules for “calling gunshot,” or, for those still not in the know, this determines who gets to sit in the front passenger seat.

The shotgunner must be in clear sight of the car, and shotgun can be called regardless of whether the driver is in sight of the car.

If you are the first to be picked up on a journey you are automatically given shotgun. You retain this position for the entire journey, unless you violate rules 10, 13, 18 or any other rules stipulating the loss of shotgun.

You cannot declare shotgun if someone has previously declared shotgun for that journey.

When simultaneous shotgun is called, there is then a foot race to the passenger side door from all the people who called.

Shotgun cannot be called while inside a building (unless you are in a multi-story or underground parking garage).

Shotgun cannot be called in advance, only while on the way to the car for the journey.

Once shotgun has been called the driver has the option of a reload. The driver yells “reload” and this means that all previous calls of shotgun are void and the first person to call shotgun again gets the seat. This is helpful if the driver really doesn’t like the person who first called shotgun. It is often used when there is a simultaneous call and the driver is unsure of the outcome. Note that a shotgun has only two barrels so a reload can only be called once.

If the regular driver of the vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given shotgun.

Once the journey has begun, the driver is the controller of the musical entertainment. However if they feel the road requires their full attention, music duty is passed to the shotgunner. However putting on crap tunes or allowing for silence will result in demotion to the back seat.

Anyone calling shotgun must have his or her shoes on. This is to stop people running outside and calling shotgun, then having to go back inside to put their shoes on and slowing the journey. This is known as the Shoe Rule.

Shotgun overrules Dibs and other girly calls!

When travelling with a couple, one of the couple MUST shotgun the front. No one wants to chauffer two of their mates while they are in the back all over each other.

If someone has successfully called shotgun, they have the right to the front seat. They do not have the right to correct the driver on their navigation skills or driving ability. If the passenger does this, then they forfeit their position as shotgun holder.

If someone says, "what’s shotgun?" after it has been called then they have to walk.

If the shotgunner attempts to open the door just as the driver is unlocking it and jams the lock half open so that the driver needs to lock it and unlock it again, the shotgunner forfeits their position. This is known as shotgun suicide.

Automatic "couple's rights act 1997." This law states that, if the driver is the boyfriend/girlfriend of a passenger in the car, that passenger has the right to the seat of their choice.

If one of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed (convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the event of more than one pirate being present, a sword fight shall determine the successful shotgunner. This is known as The Pirate Rule.

When riding in a two or three door car, it is the responsibility of the shotgunner to allow rear passengers in and out of the car, NOT THE DRIVERS regardless of weather conditions.

Obviously the previous rule on the subject didn’t clarify things completely with everyone coming up with a new rule that overrules shotgun. NOTHING overrules shotgun. Shotgun is final and cannot be overruled!

It is the shotgunner’s responsibility to be on the lookout for police and cameras. If the shotgunner doesn't spot a speed camera and this results in a speeding ticket it is immediately their fault and not the drivers.

The Football Funnies

We are nearly to fall and we’re already into football and I am happy. Yes, this grandma is a football fan, and most everyone knows that.

So one of my Fhunny Fhilosophers shared the following with me this week. I laughed. I hope you do too, and seriously consider the truth (Ha-ha-ha) in the following Football Fhunny Fhilosophies.

-“It is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football.” John Heisman

-“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” Bear Bryant, Alabama

-“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” Knute Rockne, Notre Dame

-“At Georgia Southern we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” Erik Russell, Georgia Southern

-“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” Lou Holtz, Arkansas and Notre Dame

-“When you win, nothing hurts.” Joe Namath, Alabama 

-“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” Frank Leahy, Notre Dame

-“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” Woody Hayes, Ohio State

-“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” Bob Devaney, Nebraska

-“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.” Wally Butts, Georgia

-I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms—Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” Alex Karras, Iowa

-“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” Bowden Wyatt, Tennessee

-“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State

-“Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.” Shug Jordan, Auburn

-“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me. He said, ‘Well Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.’” Walt Garrison, Oklahoma State

-“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” Bobby Bowden, Florida State

-“Football is NOT a contact sport. It is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.” Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State

-After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, the coach’s post-game message to his team was, “All those who need showers, take them.” John McKay, USC

-“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” Murray Warmath, Minnesota

-“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” Knute Rockne, Notre Dame

-“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” Darrell Royal, Texas

-“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” John McKay, USC

-“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” Knute Rockne, Notre Dame

-Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

I LOVE football!

New Earthquake Detector in Place (on the Couch)

I know we’ve been here before, but if Oklahoma keeps shaking, I’m gonna’ keep complaining.

I had just sat down with my first cup of coffee for the day on Friday, and was making lots of plans for a weekend family party in my backyard. Ten people were expected, plus two toddlers, and I wanted to cookout. Extensive plans were needed.

Then my couch trembled. It was more like my derriere felt that first ripple.

“What?!?” I thought.

I checked on housedog Penny, who was lying next to me. Sometimes she gets an itch and scratches hard enough to shake the couch. Nope. Penny was sound asleep.

“That can’t possibly be an . . .” and before I could finish the thought the whole house trembled. It did more than tremble. It shook like a big dog that just climbing out of its bathwater. I sat there astounded while my house rumbled and things fell off shelves.

Yep. That can be an earthquake. In fact, that was an earthquake reminiscent of Alaska where I lived for three years and learned how to live with earthquakes. It was a good 5.8 shake.

But I can’t get used to earthquakes in Oklahoma. Along the Pacific Rim, yes, earthquakes are expected. But they are not, or were not, to be expected in the central United States.

Well they are now, say the experts, who blame our shakes on fracking and disposal well drilling. But no one is really sure. We are sure the following has occurred in Oklahoma:

    * 8 earthquakes today (as of noon Friday)

    * 69 earthquakes in the past 7 days

     *144 earthquakes in the past month

     *2,524 earthquakes in the past year

Only got one thing to say. If I wanted to live with earthquakes, I’d still be in Alaska! Now we live with the threat of tornadoes and earthquakes, and wouldn’t you know, the remnants of a hurricane are expected to arrive this weekend and douse us with rain.

All of nature’s calamities should not be expected in one place! Not fair!

I called my insurance agent.

“Do I have earthquake insurance?” I wanted to know.

“No.”

“Well, I want some.”

“You really don’t need it.”

“Yes I do.”

So now I have earthquake insurance, although I gotta’ say, the deductible is kind’a high. I almost let my insurance agent talk me out of it, but, as of Friday morning, I’m glad I’ve got it.

That’s because my new earthquake detector detected another earthquake late Thursday. Yep. I got a derriere tremor. I confess, as an NFL fan, I was watching the Denver Broncos hang on to beat the Carolina Panthers, and that game would have made anyone’s derriere tremble. It was good, especially if, like me, you’re a Broncos fan.

But the NFL doesn’t usually jostle my derriere. My heart might pound, but derriere doesn’t.

So when derriere got the shake signal I immediately thought, ‘Oh no. Not again.’

Housedog was sound asleep again, as usual. Hum, was it another mouse? Those one or two of you that like to read these meanderings might remember my last report on strange derriere signals. A search of couch turned up a smashed mouse.

Well, this couch potato had not smashed another mouse. Derriere had detected a 3.8 earthquake to go along with Friday’s 5.8. I have a new weapon in earthquake detection – my rear end, or derriere. So rest assured readers, if my derriere trembles any more, I will immediately report it on Facebook.

Who needs a seismograph when I got a derriere?