‘God Bless Us, Every One’

Christmas is only a few days away, and along with this happy holiday come the holiday-related movies and television specials.

So it was that I watched “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and “Frosty the Snowman” on TV. I watched them because there was nothing else to watch on TV and I’m not a satellite owner nor do I wish to be one. (Kids, do not put that on your list for mom.)

While the two classic Christmas tales reeled off one after the other, I think I was either trying to complete a Christmas do-it-yourself project, trying to figure out what gift I had bought for which grandchild, or searching my recipes trying to find those only made at Christmas. So I wasn’t paying a lot of attention, at first.

Then I found myself drawn into the tales. And at their conclusion I found myself terribly sad for some reason. This worried me for several hours. How could such happy, uplifting stories make me sad?

I finally came to the conclusion that there were no children watching with me. For nearly 20 years I had sat my three children down to watch both Rudolph and Frosty to foster the Christmas spirit or so I could go on to other Christmas pursuits. But once my children turned 13 or so, they usually abandoned Rudolph and Frosty for teenage attractions.

With those thoughts in mind, I realized this year that I was sad because I missed those days of being the mom of three kids. I missed trying to figure out what they wanted for Christmas that we could afford. I missed the Christmas shopping, the buying and the hiding of gifts, the Christmas school plays and programs, the staying up all night to wrap gifts, then being woken up after only an hours sleep by three kids who could not contain their excitement. I miss cooking a huge Christmas feast. Those days are long gone, even for my three children who are grandparents themselves now. I wonder if they miss those parenting Christmas days.

With that in mind, I went looking for old Christmas-themed movies to take my blues away. First, we will dispense with the ones I cannot even force myself to like. There will be no Elf, no Grinch, and no “Gremlins,” even though my kids thought that cute little critters that turned into demons at midnight were fantastic!

I will not watch any musical Christmas movies made in the 1930s, 1940s or 1950s, even though I love the song “White Christmas.” Too many silly love interests for me.

I want a happy, laugh-out-loud, Christmas. So I will watch “Home Alone,” (fall-down pranks make me laugh every time), “Christmas Vacation,” (otherwise known as what Christmas is really like with a crazy family), “Christmas with the Kranks,”(or what Christmas is really like with a loving family), “The Santa Clause”, (because nothing beats Tim Allen falling off a roof), and “A Christmas Story” (because I can’t tell you how many times my own mother said “You’ll shoot your eye out!”)

And when I am ready for an uplifting story I will go on to that greatest Christmas movie of all time, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” And then I will go outside and ring bells, because “Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.”

(That’s pretty bad when you can quote from a movie without even looking it up on Wikipedia!)

And then my heart and spirit will be back where it belongs, in the present with grand and great-grandchildren, and I will continue loving the memories and not be saddened by them.

So Merry Christmas, ring lots of bells, and as Tiny Tim might say, “And God bless us, every one.” And may your holiday have lasting, happy memories.

Merry Christmas Trees!

The magazine Good Housekeeping published a story this week on “20 Hilarious Christmas Tree Fails.” And I swear, every one of those fails has happened to me and my family.

The article begins with an illustration of Charlie Brown and his infamous Christmas tree, which is one of the best stories ever told. It’s sort of an ugly-duckling-to-swan story about a tree, but it’s really about Christmas in the heart. I love it so much, I have a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, which has few needles and is tiny. 

Next is a photo of a dog chasing the house cat up the Christmas tree. Anyone who has a house cat knows that as soon as the Christmas tree goes up, the cat will be in it. The cat will knock off only the breakable ornaments, will drink all the water in the tree stand, and will pee and poo in the Christmas tree skirt and on your wrapped gifts if you have been stupid enough to put them under the tree, with a cat in the house, like I am.

Up next is a photo of crooked tree. Is there such a thing as a straight Christmas tree? I’ve never had one, and have even had to, as the article suggests, tie the tree to the wall to keep it upright. Which didn’t work either.

TIMBER! The tree fell over. Well of course it did. The cat was in it and it wasn’t straight anyway. My most famous falling Christmas tree is on film for all posterity. Son received a camera for Christmas and daughter was opening a gift when the tree fell on top of her. “Take a photo son,” I advised. And so we have a photo of daughter, under tree, with only her legs sticking out.

All the needles fell off. All believers in real Christmas trees have this problem. That real tree goes up after Thanksgiving. The cat drank all the water in the tree stand. And the needle-less tree doesn’t come down till the New Year. I have actually found Christmas tree needles in the corners of the living room when vacuuming for the Fourth of July.

The Christmas tree has bugs. Trying to save money one year, my kids and I went to the woods, found a perfect cedar tree, cut it down (crooked of course) and put it up for Christmas. The next morning, all warmed up, that little cedar tree unleashed a million ticks on us. Never again!

Tree is too short, or too tall. I err on the too tall side, year after year after year. I‘ve had to apologize to husband and sons on several occasions and years because they had to cut the tree trunk off, again. One year they even had to cut the top off. One year we didn’t cut anything off, and had to climb a ladder to put the star top on. That was a beautiful Christmas tree. Then I made a mistake and turned the ceiling fan on.

Oops. Ceiling fans make good hedge trimmers too. And they can make your Christmas tree look like a hedge.

The tree is my favorite Christmas decoration. And may all your Christmas trees be happy, or at least memorial like mine.

Tales of a Christmas Shopper

Christmas shopping is one of my favorite past-times.

Shopping is my favorite hobby, but add that I’m buying for 10 great-grandkids, four grandkids, and my wonderful three children, and I’m in heaven.

I love it so much, I start on Dec. 26 every year for next year.

Unfortunately, that may lead to problems. One year I asked Granddaughter how she liked her new talking teddy bear.

“What talking teddy bear?” she wanted to know.

Oops. After I finally found that teddy bear where I had hidden it in the spare bedroom closet, and promptly forgotten it, Granddaughter got it for her next birthday.

With that incident firmly in memory, I rummaged through the Christmas stash this past weekend to make sure everything was accounted for.

Oops. Well, I don’t remember buying all those remote-control cars, and I’m not sure what Great-grandson is going to do with all them. He’s going to have to share with the other great-grandkids. And I didn’t even make it all the way through the stash. I hope I don’t find any other surprises.

Hoping I am not the only forgetful shopper, I went shopping on the internet for more fun Christmas shopping stories. Hope they make you laugh too. It’s the only way to survive the season.

-From one foolish shopper who ventured out on Black Friday: “The holiday season officially starts on the last Friday in November, when the first shopper is trampled at Walmart.”

-“Dad gave Mom a DVD last year. DVDs are great gifts, except, (a) it was a rental, and b) we don’t have a DVD player.”

-Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send each of his grandchildren a check for Christmas. On each card he wrote “Merry Christmas from Grandpa. P.S. Buy your own gift.” Grandpa had a good time at the family Christmas celebration, but wondered why his grandchildren seemed a little distant. It worried him into the New Year, or until he moved a stack of magazines and found a pile of checks, all made out to his grandchildren. They were the gifts he’d forgotten to put in their Christmas cards.

Twitter Tales:

-“Went online to get the kids' Christmas gifts and an hour later all I ordered was a really funny coffee mug for myself.”

-“Wife and I agree about not giving son too many Christmas gifts, but I still sneak him a few a couple of days later so he'll like me more.”

-“For Christmas I gave my kids' teachers grocery store gift cards along with a map of the quickest route to the liquor aisle.”

-“I am trusting my kids pay no attention to the 84 empty Amazon boxes stacked in plain sight in the garage that showed up right before Christmas.”

-“On the 13th day of Christmas my true love said to me, ‘I think I might be a hoarder.’”

And may you all have a happy shopping season too!

A Thank You to the Young

As a mother and a grandmother for over 50 years, I have noticed that kids are sometimes wiser than we adults. And they are a whole lot more fun.

That’s why I offer the following kids’ thanks for Thanksgiving. They make me laugh and be happy, for which I am thankful.

-“I would like to thank everyone for everything.” Tom, age 4

-“I am thankful for my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my brother, and horses.” Emily, age 8

-“I am thankful for my hamster who makes my sister gag when I forget to clean out the cage.” Harry, age 6

-“I am thankful for my brother when he has to go to summer camp.” Suzie, age 4

-“I’m thankful for my right hand because my left hand sucks at writing.” Brant, age 5

-“I am thankful for everything good – and bad – that has ever happened to me. The good makes the bad OK and the bad isn’t really bad because there is so much good. So maybe I’m really just thankful for the good since there really isn’t any bad. Ugh. I’ve confused myself.” Kenzie, age 9

-“I am thankful that I love everyone in our family, and they love me too.” Lizzy, age 8

-“I’m thankful for Fridays because I don’t have to do any homework.” Steven, age 10

-“I’m thankful for my whole family, dolphins, pandas and snow.” Sophia, age 5

-“I’m thankful for strawberries.” Quinn, age 2 (A child after my own heart.)

-“I’m thankful for trumpets. I’m thankful for numbers. I’m thankful that I am eating. I’m thankful for water. I’m thankful for cups. And for pouring down the faucet.” Bodhi, age 3

-“I’m thankful for air because it keeps us alive.” Levi, age 6

-“I’m thankful for Mommy, apples and pears.” Ellis, age 3

-“I’m thankful for rainbows because they have lots of color.” Sadie, age 5

-“I’m thankful for the world because I like living on it.” John, age 5

-“I’m thankful for all the colors because they help us paint and draw.” Page, age 6

-“I’m thankful for the smell of my grandma’s chicken soup.” Casey, age 7

-“I’m thankful for my mommy who takes care of me when I’m sick and my daddy who is really smart.” Andy, age 5

-“I’m thankful for sunshine because it makes me smile and makes things grow.” Angel, age 6

-“I’m thankful for my blanket because it keeps me warm.” Loren, age 6

-“I’m thankful for the maple tree in my backyard and my pet fish because he makes me comfortable. Nick, age 5

-“I’m thankful for the smell of lavender in my garden.” Abby, age 7

-“I’m thankful for the earth because we don’t have to wear spacesuits to walk on it.” Colton, age 7

-“I’m thankful for my family because I really like them.” Jade, age 5

-“I’m thankful for the sound of a song.” Andrea, age 6

-“I’m thankful for moms and dads because if we didn’t have them we wouldn’t be alive.” Allie, age 7

And I’m thankful for the wisdom of the young.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Words from the Wise on Politics

Vote! Vote! Vote!

I believe in voting. It’s the American way. I also believe in keeping my mouth shut, and my laptop closed, when it comes to talking about the candidates. But I still want to talk about the election.

So what does one do?

I went looking for our own late, great observer of the political scene – Will Rogers. This wise man still makes me laugh out loud.

Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the great Will Rogers:

-“There is only one redeeming thing about this whole election. It will be over at sundown, and let everybody pray that it's not a tie, for we couldn't go through with this thing again.”

-“I'm not a member of any organized political party.... I'm a Democrat.”

-“A fool and his money are soon elected.” 

-“What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.”

-“If you ever injected truth into politics you’d have no politics.”

-“Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.”

-“We cuss Congress, and we joke about 'em, but they are all good fellows at heart, and if they wasn't in Congress, why, they would be doing something else against us that might be even worse.”

-“It's getting so if a man wants to stand well socially, he can't afford to be seen with either the Democrats or the Republicans.”

-“Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials.”

-“You know Lincoln's famous remark about ‘God must have loved the common people, because he made so many of them?’ Well, you are not going to get people's votes nowadays by calling ‘em common. Lincoln might have said it, but I bet it was not until after he was elected.”

-“We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.”

-“This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.”

-“Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians, and I like to watch both of 'em at play, either back home in their native state, or after they've been captured and sent to a zoo, or to Washington.” 

-“And, when the votes are counted, let everybody, including the candidates, get into a good humor as quick as they got into a bad one.”

-“So cheer up. Let's all be friends again. One of the evils of democracy is you have to put up with the man you elect whether you want him or not. That's why we call it democracy.”

-“This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler.”

-“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

I am taking Mr. Rogers’ advice, and shutting up with only one or two last words – Go Vote!

Halloween – A Fun Day

Halloween is a fun day. I loved it when my kids were little, and I love it now. I love Halloween now because it’s the day before CANDY GOES ON HALF PRICE!

Yes, I have been known to go door-to-door at all the groceries in Sallisaw searching for half-price candy on Nov. 1. I confess, I also do the same on the day after Easter. I still have Easter candy in the fridge.

But I didn’t love it when I was a kid. My one memory of Halloween was the one, when I was in elementary school, when Mom decided to dress me up as a gypsy. I was to wear a pair of her fancy earrings. Back then the earrings were not for pierced ears. They all had screw-on backs. So you can guess it was many years ago. Mom was trying to put those earrings on me, when the screw back got off kilter with the screw threads. Mom fiddled and fiddled and fiddled with those earrings, trying to get them to line up correctly. But it didn’t happen. Instead those earrings got tighter, and tighter, and tighter.

I remember screaming. It’s a wonder I didn’t end up with pierced ears. Don’t remember the rest of that Halloween. Maybe I was too traumatized to even go trick-or-treating.

And to this day I will not wear earrings.

But I loved dressing up my kids and grandkids for Halloween. Usually my kids had to wear an old sheet with holes for eyes and a mouth. We didn’t have a lot of money back then, but we had a lot of old sheets.

As a grandma, dressing up Granddaughter Jessie was a delight. Her handmade Tinker Belle costume was the best ever! But I had to re-make the M&M costume when son noticed I had ironed the M on backwards. Oops. Nothing like having to start from scratch on the very day the costume is due!

All families are full of such stories. So I went looking for more.

-The real monsters are the people that give away little boxes of raisins instead of Halloween candy.

ME: How true! We had one old lady in our neighborhood who went out to her apple tree and just gave the kids an apple on Halloween. One year my enterprising sons and friends crept into the old lady’s backyard early on Halloween day and stole all the apples, hoping for better treats. All they got was caught, and in trouble.

-Want to hear blood-curdling screams. Tell your wife she has a spider on her shoulder.

ME: Yep. That would be me. Saw a spider on my bed blanket last week. By 6 a.m. I had washed all the blankets but was still bug spraying the bedroom.

-The only thing really scary about Halloween is running out of candy.

ME: I actually know people (and you know who you are), who ate up all the Halloween candy, then, on Halloween night, they had to turn off all the lights and hide in a closet because they had nothing to give the trick-or-treaters, not even apples and raisins.

-Aren't we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?

ME: Well, in defense of all parents, we have to check the candy the best way we can. We eat it!

All right. Trick-or-treaters, and parents, can avoid Halloween mistakes from too-tight earrings to candy theft (mostly) by visiting the Halloween on Elm Street, sponsored by the Sallisaw Police Department on Monday. The show opens at 5:30 p.m. and includes games and bounce houses as well as candy. That way the kids can burn off all (mostly) that sugar before bed. KXMX will be there, and looking forward to seeing all those costumed kids.

Have a safe and fun Halloween.

Marriage Advice from Someone Who Should Know Better

My good friends, Carrol and Linda Copeland who many of you probably know, celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday.

I was not able to attend their anniversary party. It’s a Saturday. I stay in old sweats, and sometimes bed, on Saturdays. But I felt guilty so I offer the following, captured off the internet, as a gift. I hope they laugh.

-A husband and wife were celebrating 50 years of marriage with a big anniversary party. At one point they were toasted, then asked what it’s like to be married for 50 years. The wife, known to have a quick wit, replied, “It all seems like five minutes....under water.”

-“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” 

-Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

-“My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

-“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” – Milton Berle

-“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns

-After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

-When a man steals your wife, there’s no better revenge than to let him keep her.

-A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife.

-Man is incomplete until he marries. Then he is finished.

-The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

-Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

-Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

-If you want your spouse to listen and pay absolute attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

-When a married man says, “I’ll think about it,” what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.

-Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the e-mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

-A man is boasting to his buddies that he is taking his wife to Rome for their 40th wedding anniversary. 

"What will you do for your 50th?" one of them asks.

"I'll go and get her."

And finally. . .

-To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you're wrong admit it;

Whenever you're right shut up. - Ogden Nash.

So Happy Anniversary my friends. Perhaps you won’t pay any attention to the above, and probably shouldn’t except to laugh out loud. Laughter, I hear, helps a marriage.

But you’ve made it for 46 years without my help. Congratulations. Wishing you at least another 50, or so. And thank you for being my friends.

Tell Me This Won’t Happen to Us

 All my friends and I seem to be aging at about the same rate at about the same time.

And they share the same aging concerns as I do. . .Will this happen to me?!? Yes, we do worry about what age will do to us.

Witness the following, sent to me by a recently retired friend. He wrote:

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!”

An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' he cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'He got in the back seat by mistake.'

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!” my friend continued to worry.
 
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses. 'Was I going up the stairs or down?’ The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

(Confession:  Yes I have wondered “What in the world am I doing?”)

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!” (Too late!)

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

(Have had to tell several friends they needed to get their hearing checked.  Couldn’t hear their answers though.)

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!”

Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’

His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared and stared at him. Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
 
(OOPS! Oh good grief! It is happening to us!)

“Tell me this won’t happen to us!”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the interstate. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

This will NOT happen. I signed a pact with adult children that I will not use cell phone while driving. That should save me.

Funny Filosopher’s Measurements Measure Up

One of my Funny Filosophers decided to measure things this week.

His report illustrates just how imaginative the English language is, or how frustrating if you are a non-English speaker.

Enjoy. . .

The Funny Filosopher’s Measurements:

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. Two thousand pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

3. One millionth of a mouthwash = one microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = one bananosecond

5. The weight an evangelist carries with God = one billigram

6. The time it takes to sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = one lite year

8. 16.5 feet in The Twilight Zone = one Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = one semicolon

10. One million aches = one megahertz

11. One basic unit of laryngitis = one hoarsepower

12. The shortest distance between two jokes = one straight line

13. Two thousand mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

14. One kilogram of falling figs = one Fig Newton

15. One thousands ccs of wet socks = one literhosen

16. Sixteen nickels = one paradigms

17. One million-million microphones = one megaphone

18. One million bicycles = two megacycles

19. Ten cards = one decacards

20. One millionth of a fish = one microfiche

21. One trillion pins = one terrapin

22. Ten rations = one decoration

23. One hundred rations = one C-ration

24. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = one I.V. league.

And if that doesn’t leave you laughing, or at the least a little bit confused about our language, and math, nothing will. But then I was already confused about math.

Have a happy day!

The ‘Shotgun!’ Rules

I am an only child. Strangely, all my first cousins were also the one and only child of their parents.

I don’t know what was going on back then. Maybe it was something in the water. The result was neither I nor my cousins knew about “calling shotgun.”

So when my own three children (maybe the water improved) started “calling shotgun,” they had to explain the rules to me. Of course the rules change quite often, and even expand as the grandchildren begin showing up.

So for all future parents of multiples and grandparents, here are some of the official rules for “calling gunshot,” or, for those still not in the know, this determines who gets to sit in the front passenger seat.

The shotgunner must be in clear sight of the car, and shotgun can be called regardless of whether the driver is in sight of the car.

If you are the first to be picked up on a journey you are automatically given shotgun. You retain this position for the entire journey, unless you violate rules 10, 13, 18 or any other rules stipulating the loss of shotgun.

You cannot declare shotgun if someone has previously declared shotgun for that journey.

When simultaneous shotgun is called, there is then a foot race to the passenger side door from all the people who called.

Shotgun cannot be called while inside a building (unless you are in a multi-story or underground parking garage).

Shotgun cannot be called in advance, only while on the way to the car for the journey.

Once shotgun has been called the driver has the option of a reload. The driver yells “reload” and this means that all previous calls of shotgun are void and the first person to call shotgun again gets the seat. This is helpful if the driver really doesn’t like the person who first called shotgun. It is often used when there is a simultaneous call and the driver is unsure of the outcome. Note that a shotgun has only two barrels so a reload can only be called once.

If the regular driver of the vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given shotgun.

Once the journey has begun, the driver is the controller of the musical entertainment. However if they feel the road requires their full attention, music duty is passed to the shotgunner. However putting on crap tunes or allowing for silence will result in demotion to the back seat.

Anyone calling shotgun must have his or her shoes on. This is to stop people running outside and calling shotgun, then having to go back inside to put their shoes on and slowing the journey. This is known as the Shoe Rule.

Shotgun overrules Dibs and other girly calls!

When travelling with a couple, one of the couple MUST shotgun the front. No one wants to chauffer two of their mates while they are in the back all over each other.

If someone has successfully called shotgun, they have the right to the front seat. They do not have the right to correct the driver on their navigation skills or driving ability. If the passenger does this, then they forfeit their position as shotgun holder.

If someone says, "what’s shotgun?" after it has been called then they have to walk.

If the shotgunner attempts to open the door just as the driver is unlocking it and jams the lock half open so that the driver needs to lock it and unlock it again, the shotgunner forfeits their position. This is known as shotgun suicide.

Automatic "couple's rights act 1997." This law states that, if the driver is the boyfriend/girlfriend of a passenger in the car, that passenger has the right to the seat of their choice.

If one of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed (convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the event of more than one pirate being present, a sword fight shall determine the successful shotgunner. This is known as The Pirate Rule.

When riding in a two or three door car, it is the responsibility of the shotgunner to allow rear passengers in and out of the car, NOT THE DRIVERS regardless of weather conditions.

Obviously the previous rule on the subject didn’t clarify things completely with everyone coming up with a new rule that overrules shotgun. NOTHING overrules shotgun. Shotgun is final and cannot be overruled!

It is the shotgunner’s responsibility to be on the lookout for police and cameras. If the shotgunner doesn't spot a speed camera and this results in a speeding ticket it is immediately their fault and not the drivers.

The Football Funnies

We are nearly to fall and we’re already into football and I am happy. Yes, this grandma is a football fan, and most everyone knows that.

So one of my Fhunny Fhilosophers shared the following with me this week. I laughed. I hope you do too, and seriously consider the truth (Ha-ha-ha) in the following Football Fhunny Fhilosophies.

-“It is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football.” John Heisman

-“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” Bear Bryant, Alabama

-“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” Knute Rockne, Notre Dame

-“At Georgia Southern we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” Erik Russell, Georgia Southern

-“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.” Lou Holtz, Arkansas and Notre Dame

-“When you win, nothing hurts.” Joe Namath, Alabama 

-“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” Frank Leahy, Notre Dame

-“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” Woody Hayes, Ohio State

-“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” Bob Devaney, Nebraska

-“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.” Wally Butts, Georgia

-I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms—Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” Alex Karras, Iowa

-“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” Bowden Wyatt, Tennessee

-“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State

-“Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.” Shug Jordan, Auburn

-“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me. He said, ‘Well Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.’” Walt Garrison, Oklahoma State

-“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” Bobby Bowden, Florida State

-“Football is NOT a contact sport. It is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.” Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State

-After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, the coach’s post-game message to his team was, “All those who need showers, take them.” John McKay, USC

-“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” Murray Warmath, Minnesota

-“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” Knute Rockne, Notre Dame

-“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.” Darrell Royal, Texas

-“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” John McKay, USC

-“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” Knute Rockne, Notre Dame

-Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

I LOVE football!

New Earthquake Detector in Place (on the Couch)

I know we’ve been here before, but if Oklahoma keeps shaking, I’m gonna’ keep complaining.

I had just sat down with my first cup of coffee for the day on Friday, and was making lots of plans for a weekend family party in my backyard. Ten people were expected, plus two toddlers, and I wanted to cookout. Extensive plans were needed.

Then my couch trembled. It was more like my derriere felt that first ripple.

“What?!?” I thought.

I checked on housedog Penny, who was lying next to me. Sometimes she gets an itch and scratches hard enough to shake the couch. Nope. Penny was sound asleep.

“That can’t possibly be an . . .” and before I could finish the thought the whole house trembled. It did more than tremble. It shook like a big dog that just climbing out of its bathwater. I sat there astounded while my house rumbled and things fell off shelves.

Yep. That can be an earthquake. In fact, that was an earthquake reminiscent of Alaska where I lived for three years and learned how to live with earthquakes. It was a good 5.8 shake.

But I can’t get used to earthquakes in Oklahoma. Along the Pacific Rim, yes, earthquakes are expected. But they are not, or were not, to be expected in the central United States.

Well they are now, say the experts, who blame our shakes on fracking and disposal well drilling. But no one is really sure. We are sure the following has occurred in Oklahoma:

    * 8 earthquakes today (as of noon Friday)

    * 69 earthquakes in the past 7 days

     *144 earthquakes in the past month

     *2,524 earthquakes in the past year

Only got one thing to say. If I wanted to live with earthquakes, I’d still be in Alaska! Now we live with the threat of tornadoes and earthquakes, and wouldn’t you know, the remnants of a hurricane are expected to arrive this weekend and douse us with rain.

All of nature’s calamities should not be expected in one place! Not fair!

I called my insurance agent.

“Do I have earthquake insurance?” I wanted to know.

“No.”

“Well, I want some.”

“You really don’t need it.”

“Yes I do.”

So now I have earthquake insurance, although I gotta’ say, the deductible is kind’a high. I almost let my insurance agent talk me out of it, but, as of Friday morning, I’m glad I’ve got it.

That’s because my new earthquake detector detected another earthquake late Thursday. Yep. I got a derriere tremor. I confess, as an NFL fan, I was watching the Denver Broncos hang on to beat the Carolina Panthers, and that game would have made anyone’s derriere tremble. It was good, especially if, like me, you’re a Broncos fan.

But the NFL doesn’t usually jostle my derriere. My heart might pound, but derriere doesn’t.

So when derriere got the shake signal I immediately thought, ‘Oh no. Not again.’

Housedog was sound asleep again, as usual. Hum, was it another mouse? Those one or two of you that like to read these meanderings might remember my last report on strange derriere signals. A search of couch turned up a smashed mouse.

Well, this couch potato had not smashed another mouse. Derriere had detected a 3.8 earthquake to go along with Friday’s 5.8. I have a new weapon in earthquake detection – my rear end, or derriere. So rest assured readers, if my derriere trembles any more, I will immediately report it on Facebook.

Who needs a seismograph when I got a derriere?

It’s the Scatter that Matters

Country Philosopher sent me the following today. No comments needed. Just read.

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. 

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. 

‘Hello Barry, how are you today?’ 

‘H’lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus’ admirin’ them peas. They sure look good.’ 

‘They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?’ 

‘Fine. Gittin’ stronger alla’ time.’ 

‘Good. Anything I can help you with?’ 

‘No, Sir. Jus’ admirin’ them peas.’ 

‘Would you like to take some home?’ asked Mr. Miller. 

‘No, Sir. Got nuthin’ to pay for ‘em with.’

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?’

‘All I got’s my prize marble here.’ 

‘Is that right? Let me see it,’ said Miller. 

‘Here ‘tis. She’s a dandy.’ 

‘I can see that. Hmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?’ the store owner asked. 

‘Not zackley but almost.’

‘Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble,’ Mr. Miller told the boy.

‘Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.’

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, ‘There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn’t like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.’

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles. 

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts. . .all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. 

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and laced his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband’s bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

‘Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim ‘traded’ them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size, they came to pay their debt. 

‘We’ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,’ she confided, ‘but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho.’

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral: 

We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles - A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself; An unexpected phone call from an old friend; Green stop lights on your way to work; The fastest line at the grocery store; A good sing-along song on the radio; and Your keys found right where you left them.

It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived!

My Bad Penny

“Are you sure?”

“You really don’t want that dog!”

“NEVER adopt a mini-pin!”

That was the advice I was given when that little chestnut red miniature pincher walked into my life. Funny thing, she walked in through the back door at my workplace. The back door had been left open. So the little mini-pin just walked in. And scampered right back out after all we dog lovers tried to catch her. First thing to learn about a mini-pin – They are extremely agile and hard to catch.

So I called Sallisaw’s animal control officer, Randy F. Turned out Randy F. had been trying to catch this mini-pin for days. We told him about her last sighting, and I told him if he could catch her, I wanted her. I thought mini-pins were just the cutest things ever!

Randy F. gave me that doubtful, eyebrows up look, then grinned. “O.K.,” he said. Turned out not only had he been trying to catch this mini-pin, he’d been trying to get rid of her too. While in custody, she had been turned over to a foster family, who promptly unfostered her. Turns out mini-pins have personality deluxe, and if you are not prepared, you will pay, and pay, and pay.

It took Randy and several police officers to catch the mini-pin, who was promptly delivered to me. And then the animal control officer quickly left the building.

I told some friends I had adopted a mini-pin. One, who does dog grooming, told me straight out, “You DON’T WANT a min-pin. They’re crazy.”

She was so right.

My mini-pin, all 12 pounds of her, tore my drapes in half, knocked over all my house plants, and actually broke two windows to escape. When she kept escaping, I sort of gave up on her. ‘Fine,’ I thought. ‘Go live somewhere else.’

But she kept coming back, and so she was named The Bad Penny.

Now just known as Penny, she has also been the subject of so many of these columns, readers ask about her health, not mine! But that’s OK. I have come to love my Penny.

With age, Penny appeared to have settled down. Or so I thought. Oops.

The recent spate of really hot Oklahoma weather prompted my family to install a much bigger air conditioner in my window. Thank you Darling Daughter. It works great!

Then Penny found the flimsy little fans on the sides of the air conditioner. Uh, the other air conditioner had the same sort of fans. What happened!?!

And Penny escaped. Penny’s a house dog for her own safety. She’s not allowed to run freely. Never mind what I think. Penny figured out how to open an AC fan last week, jumped the five feet to the ground, and apparently had a great day running around the neighborhood.

I was astounded when I came home and found her outside. Had the house been burglarized? Nope. Just Penny escaping, again. And she had not the slightest intent of letting me catch her and bring her in. I figured out you just leave the door open, and when Penny wants to come home, she does.

The next day, I piled heavy weights in front of the fans to block Penny’s new escape route. Came home that night to a happy Penny running around the yard again. All the weights were laying in the floor.

Hum. Stacked tall, skinny cartons of Pepsi in front of the AC, and blocked them in place with dining room chairs. Came home that night to find chairs on floor, Pepsi cartons torn to shreds, and Pepsi cans punctured by tiny mini-pin teeth, and empty. Apparently Penny needed a soda pop so she could continue her great outdoor adventures.

Hum. I gave up, sort of. I just leave the AC fan open now when leaving the house so Penny can have her day out. But I am determined not to be out-foxed by a mini-pin. So, I have bought lumber and long screws to board up the sides of air conditioner. Hopefully my Bad Penny will not be able to chew her way through solid wood.

But then I wonder, shouldn’t such a tiny free spirit be allowed to run free? Perhaps I should use the lumber to build Penny a staircase out of and into the window. I’ll think about it.

What’s there to think about? My back door will always be left open for My Bad Penny.

Top 10 (or 20) Zen Zingers

I love my Funny Filosophers. They often put into words the things I’m too cowardly to say. So I went searching this week for some of their Zen-in-cheek thoughts and came up with the following.

Or, to be truthful, I have sat on the couch all week and watched the Olympics, which obsess me. Consequently, I have nothing else to talk about.

So relax, read, and enjoy.

1. One Zen student said, "My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating."

The second said, "My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep."

The third said, "My teacher is so wise that he eats when he's hungry and sleeps when he's tired."

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. 

3. Q How much "ego" do you need?

A: Just enough so that you don't step in front of a bus.

4. A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."

So I didn't. 

5. Drink tea and nourish life.

With the first sip... joy.

With the second... satisfaction.

With the third, peace.

With the fourth, a Danish. 

6. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

7. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. 

8. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

9. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

10. Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?

A: He enters Nerdvana.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 

12. Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired? Because he’d always record the cause of death as “birth.”

13. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 

14. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

15. A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the master on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?” The master shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

16. Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners? A: Because they have no attachments.

17. So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.

18. Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? A: You just can't get that messed up in one lifetime. 

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either. 

The Cat Named Nutter

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. . .

Not really. It was just up the road a ways, and a friend prompted my predicament. I only use that opening cause I love “Star Wars.”

My friend, Delanna Nutter, hates cats. I like cats. So when a kitten showed up at her house, she called me. That was seven years ago, the best we can figure out using veterinarian records.

I claim I just foster this cat, named Nutter in Delanna’s honor, and she still owns this cat. She is in denial, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

That’s because Nutter is nuts. Really nuts.

Nutter doesn’t like people. No one has ever seen Nutter unless he was forced to show himself, such as going to the veterinarian for shots and such. My daughter said she thinks she saw Nutter once. My granddaughter, who was housesitting one time while I was on vacation, freaked out one morning and called me, terrified. She was sure someone had broken in because a table top had been disrupted, lamps knocked over, etc. I told her not to worry. It was just Nutter, doing his nutsy things. Granddaughter has never seen Nutter. Not once in seven years.

The last time Nutter went to the vet for his shots, it took three people to hold him down while one administered the shots. And the whole time Nutter made noises like an angry grizzly bear. This all took place in a cat cage! I was the only one who shed blood.

But Nutter likes me. I’m sure that’s because I’m the one who delivers his cat kibble every day. And even then he doesn’t like me in the summer. It’s too hot to like anybody. The only thing Nutter does in the summer is lay in front of the air conditioner, spread out like a bear rug. He likes me more in the winter cause he likes to cuddle up when it’s cold. 

But this house cat, who I swear must have a little bit of raccoon in his blood cause he likes to wash his paws in his water dish, weighs about 20 pounds. So, when he cuddles up in the winter by wrapping himself around my head or perching on my chest while I sleep, he often just gets kicked out of bed.

In the summer, Nutter’s life is just eat, sleep and make stinky messes I have to clean up. I was seriously considering kicking him out. It was time for him to return to the real, outdoor world where he could make it on his own. And find a sand pile I didn’t have to sift daily.

But while I considered de-catting my house, the rats moved in. I’m not sure why. Several years ago, we had a pack rat epidemic. Pack rats like to chew on vehicle wires, and I had to have mine towed in three times for repairs. Once I ended up in a long line. “There’s a pack rat epidemic,” I was told. A few poison baits solved my problem, but I sure don’t like to do that.

Then, all of a sudden, here the rats are again. I hate rats. I suspect bird feeders attracted the rats to the dropped bird seed. It sure attracted the squirrels and rabbits. So I stopped feeding the birds.

The rats persisted.

And when one decided it was going to make a home under my new riding lawn mower, and its wiring, I took drastic measures. I turned the lawn mower on. OK. OK. I felt a bit guilty later, but that rat’s demise was quick, and I hope painless.

I didn’t care about that rat that moved into the house. Rats in the house get instant death penalty. I bought a rat trap. How does a rat get the peanut butter off the trap without getting snapped? It even broke the trap!

Poison is out of the question. Too dangerous for all involved, like grandchildren and pets.

I was still mulling over my options – like locking all foodstuffs up in metal containers – when Nutter solved the problem and eluded eviction.

On a trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night last week, I was surprised to find one very dead rat, on its back with all four feet in the air, neatly deposited in my bathroom sink. I might have screamed just a bit when I discovered the gift. But I know Nutter put that rat there just for me. If Nutter had thumbs, he would probably have wrapped a red ribbon around it.

So far, no more rats have been seen, and I believe Nutter has taken care of the problem. So Nutter is back in my good graces, and he is back to laying in front of the air conditioner. We’ll see how long this lasts. He is Delanna’s cat after all.

Stop the Heat!

It’s my annual summer rant! 

I am allowed one weather rant per season. And it sure is time for my summer heat rant. Are you kidding me. . .100-degrees plus!?! No!

Daily heat warnings from the U.S. Weather Service? No!

A heat index that makes one feel they are entering a sauna when leaving an AC building? No!

My greatest challenge during the day is to get from one air conditioned building to the next as quickly as possible. I’m walking much faster lately.

During this kind of Oklahoma summer, the most exercise I get is turning the page on the latest book I’m reading while sitting on the couch. I took on “To Kill a Mockingbird” again (for the fourth time) last week. Amazing author Harper Lee understood a southern summer. She relates how southern women, er, ladies, deal with a southern summer in Alabama– THREE baths a day.

“I can relate!” I told friends. They admitted to at least two cold showers a day, and sometimes more. My water bill has increased alarmingly.

To help ease the heat, I turned to John Grisham writing about fall in Mississippi. I’m much cooler now.

Wondering how other authors wrote about summer heat I searched the internet, which does not generate a lot of sweat, oops, that should be southern perspiration. 

First up, another one of my favorite authors, who has a bit of a hometown tie courtesy of grapes. That’s John Steinbeck.

He wrote, “What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.”

Hum, maybe Mr. Steinbeck didn’t spend a summer in Sallisaw, OK, before writing “Grapes of Wrath.”

And there’s more authors, who are more to my point.

-Walter Winchell: “It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”

-James Dent: “A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.”

Me: Exactly! I actually had a couple weeks of a perfect summer day, and no lawn mower, earlier this year. It was heaven.

-Anonymous: “Wow. I’m really enjoying this 100-degree plus weather, said no one, ever!”

-Anonymous: "I’m glad it is finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.” NOT!

-Jane Austen: “What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.”

Me: Brilliant woman. She writes so well about sweating and heat-destressed hair!

-How hot is it?

- The cows are giving evaporated milk.

-The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

-I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

-Hot water now comes out of both taps.

Me: Unfortunately true at my house.

-You burn your hand just opening your car door.

Me: Again, unfortunately true in Sallisaw this summer.

-You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

Me: Yes, I faint in 110 degree heat. It’s downright embarrassing.

-You learn a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Me: Yep. Happened to me.

-The temperature falls below 95 degrees, and you feel a bit chilly.

Me: Not really.

-The four seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Me: And I’ve already said that.

OK. So it rained on us last week, and cooled off a bit as thunderstorms blew through. So it followed. . .

-Best observation of the day by Bob Hope: “If I’m on the golf course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let Him!”

And then there is the final observation, which I noted many years ago, and still makes me a bit sad.

-“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” George R.R. Martin

Yes, summer will end soon, the cooler fall weather will make us feel better, then the joys of the Christmas holidays will perk us up considerably. But after that, gloomy winter lurks, and we will be wishing it were summer again.

Having a Foxworthy Moment

One of my favorite Funny Filosophers was having a Jeff Foxworthy moment this week. He sent me the following Jeff Foxworthy quote:

“If your favorite kind of wine is Welch’s grape juice, you might be a Methodist.”

Oh wow. Did that remind me of my youth. Yep, I’m a Methodist. Mom raised me that way. And I was so excited at my first communion. At last, I was going to get to taste wine! I could hardly wait. We, of course, were a wine-less, liquor-less family. But my above normal curiosity really wanted to know what wine tasted like.

You may imagine my disappointment that it tasted just like Welch’s grape juice. That’s because it was Welch’s grape juice. Oh dang. Of course I wasn’t allowed to say “dang” way back then either.

So my Funny Filosopher’s shared Foxworthy quote kicked off a need for Foxworthy moments for me. I had to go find some of my own Foxworthy quotes.

Not many comedians can make me laugh out loud. Bob Hope could, but he’s dead. Tim Allen can, and still does. And Jeff Foxworthy is the other one. How he comes up with his one liners is a mystery to me. It’s a talent I envy.

So I just went to Foxworthy’s website and stole the following. I’ve been told that if it’s on the internet, it’s free.

Read on and enjoy.

“You might be a redneck if. . .

-you advertise on the inside walls of portable toilets.

-your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets. (Me: Yep. My own decision.)

-you’ve ever written your resume on a cocktail napkin.

-you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.

-the stock market crashes and it doesn’t affect you one bit.

-you ask to open a savings account and the teller asks, ‘With what?’

-you carry a case of beer to your tax audit. (Me: Not in my Methodist family!)

-you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.

-your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

-every job you’ve had paid daily.

-the biggest sign on your place of business says ‘Minnows.’ (Me: Well, actually. . .oh, never mind.)

-you made up your Social Security number.

-you list ‘beginner’s luck’ as a skill on a job application.

-the family business requires a lookout.

-you spend 40 hours a week at Walmart, but don’t work there. (Me: Hey. I have legitimate business at Walmart!)

-you see a sign that says, ‘Just say no to crack,’ and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.

-you wake up early but still get to work late.

-you sell rabbits out of your car. (Me: Well, no. But if those dang rabbits don’t get out of my strawberries I’ll be selling them out of the back yard.)

-you were late to work because a cow was lying in the middle of the road. (Me: It wasn’t a cow. It was a horse. And those folks needed my help!)

-you won’t work on Garth’s birthday. (Me: I actually know folks who won’t work on George Strait’s birthday.)

-your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.

-your business sign has three misspelled words

-your new job promotion means the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. (Me: Hey, boss!)

-you think common stock is a pig owned by more than one person.

-the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.

-you’ve ever been paid in tomatoes.

-you’ve ever missed work because of chigger bites. (Me: That is a legitimate reason to miss work! Unless you want to see me scratching in all the wrong places!)

-your retirement plans include getting your own place. (Me: Well, of course!) and

-you’ve skipped work for a sidewalk sale. (Me: Again, well of course!)

You know, I know people who are certified rednecks, and they are a pretty good bunch of folks. I will admit to qualifying for about one in 10 of the above, and I’ve got to say, if I qualify, then I’m proud to be a redneck.

Thoughts on Senior Citizenship

My Senior Citizen Funny Filosophers are at it again. They love to email me wisdom of the ages, their ages. After all, they are so much older than me. Ha.

Read on and think about the days to come, in those Golden Years.

-I think more about running away now than I did as a kid. But by the time I put my teeth in, put my glasses on and find my keys, I forget where I’m going.

-I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy foods out of my hand.

-Why is it that the one who snores the loudest is always the first one to fall asleep?

-Calories are the little devils that get together at night and sneak into your closet to sew your clothes up tighter. My closet is infested with the little devils.

-The best thing about being older is I did all my stupid stuff when I was younger, before the Internet.

-Pardon me. My body is experiencing technical difficulties right now.

-Nothing makes you feel so old as having to scroll down, way down, to find your year of birth. I’ve often thought about stopping sooner.

-Words on motorcycle-themed T-shirt: Sons of Arthritis – Ibuprofen Chapter

-I’m not old. I just need some WD-40.

-When I get old I’m not going to sit around knitting. I’m going to be clicking my Life Alert button to see how many handsome firefighters show up.

-The sad part about getting old is you stay young on the inside but nobody can tell any more.

-Don’t be afraid of getting older. You will still do stupid stuff, you’ll just do it slower.

-I think people my age are much older than me.

-Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really! Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." 

-I still get carded, when I ask for my Senior Citizen Discount.

-You know you are getting older when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work!

-Young at heart. Just slightly older in other places!

-At my age I have seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can’t remember it all.

-You know you are ready to retire when getting lucky means finding your car in the parking lot.

-Feeling old means looking at an old picture and wishing you could go back to that moment.

-Coming Soon! Large Type Alphabet Soup!

-Just once I would like to read a medication label that says: “Warning - May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles and increase energy.”

-Inside every older person is a younger person who wants to know, “What the heck happened!”