Having a Foxworthy Moment

One of my favorite Funny Filosophers was having a Jeff Foxworthy moment this week. He sent me the following Jeff Foxworthy quote:

“If your favorite kind of wine is Welch’s grape juice, you might be a Methodist.”

Oh wow. Did that remind me of my youth. Yep, I’m a Methodist. Mom raised me that way. And I was so excited at my first communion. At last, I was going to get to taste wine! I could hardly wait. We, of course, were a wine-less, liquor-less family. But my above normal curiosity really wanted to know what wine tasted like.

You may imagine my disappointment that it tasted just like Welch’s grape juice. That’s because it was Welch’s grape juice. Oh dang. Of course I wasn’t allowed to say “dang” way back then either.

So my Funny Filosopher’s shared Foxworthy quote kicked off a need for Foxworthy moments for me. I had to go find some of my own Foxworthy quotes.

Not many comedians can make me laugh out loud. Bob Hope could, but he’s dead. Tim Allen can, and still does. And Jeff Foxworthy is the other one. How he comes up with his one liners is a mystery to me. It’s a talent I envy.

So I just went to Foxworthy’s website and stole the following. I’ve been told that if it’s on the internet, it’s free.

Read on and enjoy.

“You might be a redneck if. . .

-you advertise on the inside walls of portable toilets.

-your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets. (Me: Yep. My own decision.)

-you’ve ever written your resume on a cocktail napkin.

-you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.

-the stock market crashes and it doesn’t affect you one bit.

-you ask to open a savings account and the teller asks, ‘With what?’

-you carry a case of beer to your tax audit. (Me: Not in my Methodist family!)

-you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.

-your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

-every job you’ve had paid daily.

-the biggest sign on your place of business says ‘Minnows.’ (Me: Well, actually. . .oh, never mind.)

-you made up your Social Security number.

-you list ‘beginner’s luck’ as a skill on a job application.

-the family business requires a lookout.

-you spend 40 hours a week at Walmart, but don’t work there. (Me: Hey. I have legitimate business at Walmart!)

-you see a sign that says, ‘Just say no to crack,’ and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.

-you wake up early but still get to work late.

-you sell rabbits out of your car. (Me: Well, no. But if those dang rabbits don’t get out of my strawberries I’ll be selling them out of the back yard.)

-you were late to work because a cow was lying in the middle of the road. (Me: It wasn’t a cow. It was a horse. And those folks needed my help!)

-you won’t work on Garth’s birthday. (Me: I actually know folks who won’t work on George Strait’s birthday.)

-your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.

-your business sign has three misspelled words

-your new job promotion means the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. (Me: Hey, boss!)

-you think common stock is a pig owned by more than one person.

-the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.

-you’ve ever been paid in tomatoes.

-you’ve ever missed work because of chigger bites. (Me: That is a legitimate reason to miss work! Unless you want to see me scratching in all the wrong places!)

-your retirement plans include getting your own place. (Me: Well, of course!) and

-you’ve skipped work for a sidewalk sale. (Me: Again, well of course!)

You know, I know people who are certified rednecks, and they are a pretty good bunch of folks. I will admit to qualifying for about one in 10 of the above, and I’ve got to say, if I qualify, then I’m proud to be a redneck.