Sally in The MIX

Friday, July 29, 2016

Stop the Heat!

It’s my annual summer rant! 

I am allowed one weather rant per season. And it sure is time for my summer heat rant. Are you kidding me. . .100-degrees plus!?! No!

Daily heat warnings from the U.S. Weather Service? No!

A heat index that makes one feel they are entering a sauna when leaving an AC building? No!

My greatest challenge during the day is to get from one air conditioned building to the next as quickly as possible. I’m walking much faster lately.

During this kind of Oklahoma summer, the most exercise I get is turning the page on the latest book I’m reading while sitting on the couch. I took on “To Kill a Mockingbird” again (for the fourth time) last week. Amazing author Harper Lee understood a southern summer. She relates how southern women, er, ladies, deal with a southern summer in Alabama– THREE baths a day.

“I can relate!” I told friends. They admitted to at least two cold showers a day, and sometimes more. My water bill has increased alarmingly.

To help ease the heat, I turned to John Grisham writing about fall in Mississippi. I’m much cooler now.

Wondering how other authors wrote about summer heat I searched the internet, which does not generate a lot of sweat, oops, that should be southern perspiration. 

First up, another one of my favorite authors, who has a bit of a hometown tie courtesy of grapes. That’s John Steinbeck.

He wrote, “What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.”

Hum, maybe Mr. Steinbeck didn’t spend a summer in Sallisaw, OK, before writing “Grapes of Wrath.”

And there’s more authors, who are more to my point.

-Walter Winchell: “It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”

-James Dent: “A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.”

Me: Exactly! I actually had a couple weeks of a perfect summer day, and no lawn mower, earlier this year. It was heaven.

-Anonymous: “Wow. I’m really enjoying this 100-degree plus weather, said no one, ever!”

-Anonymous: "I’m glad it is finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.” NOT!

-Jane Austen: “What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.”

Me: Brilliant woman. She writes so well about sweating and heat-destressed hair!

-How hot is it?

- The cows are giving evaporated milk.

-The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

-I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

-Hot water now comes out of both taps.

Me: Unfortunately true at my house.

-You burn your hand just opening your car door.

Me: Again, unfortunately true in Sallisaw this summer.

-You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

Me: Yes, I faint in 110 degree heat. It’s downright embarrassing.

-You learn a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Me: Yep. Happened to me.

-The temperature falls below 95 degrees, and you feel a bit chilly.

Me: Not really.

-The four seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Me: And I’ve already said that.

OK. So it rained on us last week, and cooled off a bit as thunderstorms blew through. So it followed. . .
-Best observation of the day by Bob Hope: “If I’m on the golf course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let Him!”

And then there is the final observation, which I noted many years ago, and still makes me a bit sad.

-“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” George R.R. Martin

Yes, summer will end soon, the cooler fall weather will make us feel better, then the joys of the Christmas holidays will perk us up considerably. But after that, gloomy winter lurks, and we will be wishing it were summer again.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Having a Foxworthy Moment

One of my favorite Funny Filosophers was having a Jeff Foxworthy moment this week. He sent me the following Jeff Foxworthy quote:

“If your favorite kind of wine is Welch’s grape juice, you might be a Methodist.”

Oh wow. Did that remind me of my youth. Yep, I’m a Methodist. Mom raised me that way. And I was so excited at my first communion. At last, I was going to get to taste wine! I could hardly wait. We, of course, were a wine-less, liquor-less family. But my above normal curiosity really wanted to know what wine tasted like.

You may imagine my disappointment that it tasted just like Welch’s grape juice. That’s because it was Welch’s grape juice. Oh dang. Of course I wasn’t allowed to say “dang” way back then either.

So my Funny Filosopher’s shared Foxworthy quote kicked off a need for Foxworthy moments for me. I had to go find some of my own Foxworthy quotes.

Not many comedians can make me laugh out loud. Bob Hope could, but he’s dead. Tim Allen can, and still does. And Jeff Foxworthy is the other one. How he comes up with his one liners is a mystery to me. It’s a talent I envy.

So I just went to Foxworthy’s website and stole the following. I’ve been told that if it’s on the internet, it’s free.

Read on and enjoy.

“You might be a redneck if. . .

-you advertise on the inside walls of portable toilets.

-your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets. (Me: Yep. My own decision.)

-you’ve ever written your resume on a cocktail napkin.

-you wake up in the morning already dressed for work.

-the stock market crashes and it doesn’t affect you one bit.

-you ask to open a savings account and the teller asks, ‘With what?’

-you carry a case of beer to your tax audit. (Me: Not in my Methodist family!)

-you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.

-your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

-every job you’ve had paid daily.

-the biggest sign on your place of business says ‘Minnows.’ (Me: Well, actually. . .oh, never mind.)

-you made up your Social Security number.

-you list ‘beginner’s luck’ as a skill on a job application.

-the family business requires a lookout.

-you spend 40 hours a week at Walmart, but don’t work there. (Me: Hey. I have legitimate business at Walmart!)

-you see a sign that says, ‘Just say no to crack,’ and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.

-you wake up early but still get to work late.

-you sell rabbits out of your car. (Me: Well, no. But if those dang rabbits don’t get out of my strawberries I’ll be selling them out of the back yard.)

-you were late to work because a cow was lying in the middle of the road. (Me: It wasn’t a cow. It was a horse. And those folks needed my help!)

-you won’t work on Garth’s birthday. (Me: I actually know folks who won’t work on George Strait’s birthday.)

-your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand.

-your business sign has three misspelled words

-your new job promotion means the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. (Me: Hey, boss!)

-you think common stock is a pig owned by more than one person.

-the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.

-you’ve ever been paid in tomatoes.

-you’ve ever missed work because of chigger bites. (Me: That is a legitimate reason to miss work! Unless you want to see me scratching in all the wrong places!)

-your retirement plans include getting your own place. (Me: Well, of course!) and

-you’ve skipped work for a sidewalk sale. (Me: Again, well of course!)

You know, I know people who are certified rednecks, and they are a pretty good bunch of folks. I will admit to qualifying for about one in 10 of the above, and I’ve got to say, if I qualify, then I’m proud to be a redneck.







Friday, July 15, 2016

Thoughts on Senior Citizenship

My Senior Citizen Funny Filosophers are at it again. They love to email me wisdom of the ages, their ages. After all, they are so much older than me. Ha.


Read on and think about the days to come, in those Golden Years.

-I think more about running away now than I did as a kid. But by the time I put my teeth in, put my glasses on and find my keys, I forget where I’m going.

-I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy foods out of my hand.

-Why is it that the one who snores the loudest is always the first one to fall asleep?

-Calories are the little devils that get together at night and sneak into your closet to sew your clothes up tighter. My closet is infested with the little devils.

-The best thing about being older is I did all my stupid stuff when I was younger, before the Internet.

-Pardon me. My body is experiencing technical difficulties right now.

-Nothing makes you feel so old as having to scroll down, way down, to find your year of birth. I’ve often thought about stopping sooner.

-Words on motorcycle-themed T-shirt: Sons of Arthritis – Ibuprofen Chapter

-I’m not old. I just need some WD-40.

-When I get old I’m not going to sit around knitting. I’m going to be clicking my Life Alert button to see how many handsome firefighters show up.

-The sad part about getting old is you stay young on the inside but nobody can tell any more.

-Don’t be afraid of getting older. You will still do stupid stuff, you’ll just do it slower.

-I think people my age are much older than me.


-Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really! Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." 


-I still get carded, when I ask for my Senior Citizen Discount.

-You know you are getting older when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work!

-Young at heart. Just slightly older in other places!

-At my age I have seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can’t remember it all.

-You know you are ready to retire when getting lucky means finding your car in the parking lot.

-Feeling old means looking at an old picture and wishing you could go back to that moment.

-Coming Soon! Large Type Alphabet Soup!

-Just once I would like to read a medication label that says: “Warning - May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles and increase energy.”

-Inside every older person is a younger person who wants to know, “What the heck happened!”


Friday, July 8, 2016

Frizzy Hair Funnies

A couple of us – my office mates and I – have the frizzy hair funnies.

My hair, which has suddenly decided to go elsewhere now that I am of a certain age (and I’m not saying what age), is getting longer. I decided to let it grow longer when it decided to get thinner. I thought thinner and disappearing hair only happened to guys. Oh no. Ladies too it turns out.

OK. Then you are gonna’ grow I told hair. No, I am not planning a strange looking comb over like certain presidential candidates. I decided to let hair grow out because I didn’t want to get it cut every six weeks, because I’m tired of messing with a fancy hairdo, and because longer hair is now the IN hairdo for we senior women.

Consequently, my longer hair got fuzzy ends, and now I’m fighting frizzy. Hey. Frizzy is not an option. But my buddy Delanna has been fighting her frizzies all her life. Delanna has naturally curly hair, and a little humidity does amazing things to Delanna’s hair. Delanna’s hair may be the original frizzy hairstyle. 

On her recent vacation to humid Florida (from humid Oklahoma-go figure) Delanna complained loudly. Yes, Delanna’s head looked like an unsheared sheep. My ends just frizz up. So, in self-defense, I went looking for support on the internet. I found a few thoughts and philosophies that may help my friend’s and my own frizzies.

Read on:

-May we have a moment of silence for all those good hair days when no one saw us.

-Jeep hair. Don’t care.

-When your hair won’t listen to you, and it’s a mess and you’re like? So you tell your hair, ‘But I grew you myself. I gave you life. And this is how you treat me?’

-Having curly hair is like playing a guessing game where you don’t know what it’s going to do until it does it and the only way to fix it is to take another shower.

-Keep Calm. Moisturize. And detangle.

-Due to some circumstances, overnight conditioning can sometimes be too much. Causing limp, lifeless hair. (Oops. Been there, done that, and it’s true.)

-Only try new hairstyles on the weekend. That way if they go wrong, no one will notice.

-The average person sheds 60 to 100 strands of hair per day. (EEK!)

-Curly hair problems #588: When the only person who can cut your hair well moves way, you consider moving too.

-Curly Hair problem #792: How to sleep and lay down in weird positions so you won’t ruin your hair.

-Curly hair problem #398: Don’t worry about your curly hair being in place because it really doesn’t have a place.

-Thank you humidity. I always wanted to be The Lion King.

-You can’t control everything. Your curly hair was put on top of your head to remind you of that.

-Question: “Do you have naturally curly hair?” Answer: “Do you really think I do this on purpose?”

-Curly Hair Problem 921: Your hair grows out (width) before it grows down (length).

-I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, maybe not fire. That would be dangerous. Maybe I’d walk through a super humid room. Well, maybe not too humid because, you know, my HAIR! (Hope Delanna reads this.)

-They are not grey hairs. They are my wisdom highlights. (Yep!)

-My hair style today is called “I tried.”

-When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. (OW!)

-I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair. (I remember those days. And I really can’t say that my mom did all that well.)

Well, I feel better. I’m gonna’ pin my hair up in a clip or stuff it in a ball cap and just let it frizz. Take that humidity!