How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

I love it when my friends send me the funny stories they find online.

The following was submitted by a friend, who found it online in a book entitled, “Disorder in the Courts.”

The following were actually said in court, word for word, and taken down by court reporters. I laughed out loud. How the court reporters did not laugh out loud is the question of the day.

You, the reader, are allowed to laugh out loud. 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I really, really, want to read this book!

I Did It!

I did it!

I did it! I grew a tomato! I’ve been trying to grow that tomato for three years and I finally did it!

Let me explain.

I grew up growing things. Mom and Dad, children of The Great Depression, insisted on it. I think that was because they didn’t have a lot to eat back in the 1930s. So our garden was about two acres big, and they grew everything we ate.

I must admit, I didn’t do a lot of the gardening. I thought it was extremely boring back then. Oh, occasionally I’d go out and help Dad weed. But sometimes I would pull up a seedling instead of a weedling, and Dad would send me back to the house. In truth, he loved gardening.

Mom just did the cooking, and she was good at it. To this day, it is hard for me to eat out because nothing compares to the veggies straight out of the garden and on to the table. I particularly liked Mom’s green beans, cooked all day long with a chunk of salt pork, and fresh sliced tomatoes on the side. I’m hungry already.

But, again, I must confess, how badly I embarrassed Mom one day. I was cutting up my broccoli, which I like, when I noticed a bit of off-color green. The more I sliced the more I wondered what I had on my plate. That’s when I told Mom, “This isn’t broccoli. It’s a worm.”

Oh boy, did I get the Mom stare. I said Mom was good at cooking. Didn’t say anything about her veggie scrubbing abilities.

Later on, as the mother of three and married to a back-to-the-land sort of fellow, we put in a large garden of our own. And that’s when I began to draw upon those childhood years in the garden with Dad. Between all five of us, we managed to raise some pretty good food. And that’s when I found out how I loved to can and freeze. I can put away some of the best frozen strawberries ever, and had a pickled beet recipe that was out of this world.

But families grow up and grow apart, and I gave up gardening. It was too much work, just for myself. And my grown children were not interested at all.

Then retirement happened.

Boring is too mild a word for retirement. Good grief I had to get out of the house and back in the dirt. I started out with flowers. Hey, veggie gardening for one hardly seems worth it. And those flowers were amazing. They gave me hope.

So I put a couple of tomato plants in pots. Hot house tomatoes don’t appeal to me at all. I don’t buy or eat hot house tomatoes. They don’t even taste like the tomatoes I grew up on. Unfortunately, my potted tomatoes didn’t seem to want to produce tomatoes either.

Then Darling Daughter came by one day and wanted to know what I was going to do with some leftover tomato plants. “Give them to you,” I offered. Hum. She took a tomato plant, stuck it out in the ground, and, believe it or not, that was the only plant that produced a tomato that year.

Good grief. What had I done wrong? Got to looking around, asking some questions. And yes, I did notice there was a lack of bees in my little garden. Tomato flowers require bees. I knew that much. And they must fly from flower to flower.

So this year I planted my two tomato plant with another plan in mind. I went armed with a cotton swab. Hey, if the bees didn’t show up to do the job, I could handle it myself. But I must confess, when I explained the purpose of that cotton swab to Granddaughter, I embarrassed her into a bright-red face. Yes, it all had to do with the Birds and the Bees. Really!

But, I got tomatoes. I got more than one tomato. I’ve got a bunch of tomatoes. Yippee! I’m back to gardening.

Now grown daughter and grown son are digging in the dirt themselves, and have their own tomato plants.

Wow. There is hope for the future.

The Fascinating ‘American Ninja Warriors’

“American Ninja Warrior” in Oklahoma City!?!

Wow! 

If I’d known I would have been there. Just found out this week when we received a press release from the governor’s office.

For those who don’t know about “America Nina Warrior,” the show is an obstacle course competition on NBC, and that originated in Japan. As part of its American format, different cities each season serve as hosts for city finals. Episodes of the show last season averaged more than 7 million viewers. It was the second-highest rated summer series on NBC last year. 

The show features mostly young men, a couple young women, and a few middle-agers who manage to qualify, all of whom are amazingly fit and buffed, and who must run what appears to be (at least to me) an insurmountable obstacle course. They must hang right side up, upside down and sideways, crawl over and under numerous obstacles that won’t stand still, then hop, skip, jump and nearly fly over things that bump and spin, and climb up a wall with no handholds or footholds. If a competitor misses any of the above, they drop into a big pool of water.

It’s amazing.

The “American Ninja Warrior” episodes in Oklahoma City are scheduled to air June 20 and Aug. 1.

I didn’t happen upon “American Ninja Warrior” until last year. The show fascinates me. I don’t know why. I’m a nerd. I like TV shows on PBS that feature critters, history, science, etc. “American Ninja Warrior” is way out of my interest box.

It’s like “Downton Abbey” on PBS. I, and the rest of America it seems, got fascinated by “Downton Abbey,” a show about England in the first 20 or so years of the 20th century. It featured a cast of characters depicting the rich and the poor. I tried hard to figure out why “Downton Abbey” was so attractive. I never figured it out. My great-great-great-great ancestors came from there, and I often wondered if I just wanted to know what they were up to before moving to the USA, before it was the USA. Now “Downton Abbey” is over. They quit while they were ahead.

And now it’s “American Ninja Warrior.” Why am I so fascinated? A quick check on the Internet reveals most of the guys watching the TV show believe they can “do that.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha. No, I can’t do that. I don’t even want to do that.

Some may detect I like to watch good looking young men, with lots of popping muscles, jump around, through and over things, looking like Tarzan, and wearing about the same amount of clothing. Well, maybe, just a little.

But there’s a whole lot more about these youngsters to admire. First, they set the goal. Then they work every fat cell in their body off training to reach that goal. Then they perform, most usually with great humility, and most fail. They splash down, then face an interviewer who wants to know “How do you feel?” now that you have failed. I’d be tempted to push the interviewer into that same pool of water I just had to climb out of on national TV.

These intelligent young (from my perspective) athletes have a grace I should work on to develop myself.

It is their determination, their dedication, and sometimes, their delight in making it through the course that fosters hope in all of us. And if they celebrate winning with a Tarzan-like yell, who can blame them. Do they fascinate me because they demonstrate that, if we work very hard at what we wish for, we can accomplish that goal?

I’d like to hope so. I am inspired.

Done in Again by Cell Phone

My cell phone did it to me again!

Well, I’m blaming the new cell phone anyway.

Darling Daughter texts me every morning to just say Hello. I think she does that to make sure I’m still alive. I always text back with “Good morning. I’m great. How are you?,” or some such.

And when I got her text last week, I immediately texted back the above answer. I did not check on who I was sending it to. My old cell phone, which was much more simple than the present smart cell phone, always sent my reply straight back to the person who texted in the first place.

New cell phone doesn’t do that. New cell phone stays on the last person you texted, not the new person who just now texted you.

Consequently, I texted the boss’ wife, “Good morning! I’m great today. How are you?” You got to give her credit. She texted right back, “I’m fine thanks.” Can only hope she thought it was nice of me to inquire about her health and happiness at 7 a.m. An apology was in order and delivered by text of course.

I was so embarrassed, but Darling Daughter and boss’s wife just laughed at me and reported wrong texts happen to everyone. Well, NOT WITH THE OLD CELL PHONE!

Anyway, Darling Daughter did not escape the Cell Phone Curse herself last week. I got the following: “I’m going out to get drunk Friday evening. Let’s go do something Saturday.” Darling Daughter doesn’t drink, and, if she was going to do so on Friday night, I doubted we would be going out to do something fun on Saturday.

So I texted back, “WHAT?” You might understand I was a bit shocked.

Oops. Blame it on auto text. Darling Daughter replied, “HAHAHA! That was supposed to say I’m picking up grandson on Friday, taking him back on Saturday morning. Let’s go do something.”

I shudder to speculate how smart cell phone confused drunk and grandson.

But I’m happy to report, as above, that we are not the only ones which auto correct has done in. Read on.

-“Where’s granny. Thought she was going to be here for Thanksgiving.”

-“Granny’s in the grave.”

-“What?”

-“Garage! Garage! Dang auto correct!”

And. . .

-“Stupid auto correct. It made me say thongs I didn’t Nintendo.”

And. . .

-“About to take puppies to the broilers. OMG! Groomers! Groomers! I can’t believe auto correct.”

And. . .

-“You’re 65 today. Happy Birthday. How do you feel?”

-“Another day closer to velcro strapons.”

-“What? Strap ons?”

-“Sneakers! Sneakers! Stupid cell phone!”

And. . .

-“Had my first cup of cameltoe tea today.”

-“What’s that?”

-“OMG! Chamomile tea!”

_-“LOL. Awesome.”

-“No it’s not! I’m so appalled.”

And. . .

-“I hate April. It’s rainy and disgusting.”

-“But April showers bring May flatulence.”

-“Oh how nice. Every month is flatulence where I live. Have you met my husband?”

And. . .

-“Grandma’s in heaven now.”

-“What? She died? What happened?”

“In HAIR SALON! Sorry. Stupid auto correct.”

And. . .

“I got a new candle. It really smells good.”

“I love candles. What is it called?”

-“It’s called sewer breeze and it only cost $5.”

-“I can get that for free. All I have to do is drive to the Jersey shore.”

-“SUMMER BREEZE! Sorry. My bad.”

No it’s not. It’s your smart phone’s bad! And thank goodness, I’m not the only one outsmarted by a cell phone.