Turkey Day looms. And how stressful that is, or was. I cooked turkeys for many years for the family. Then I got tired of it and handed the oven mitts over to the kids.
For too many years to count, I slaved away in the kitchen while the kids and grandkids played and partied in the living room. I grew tired. I quit. And the kids took over the feast-cooking chores quite well. I do try to hang out in the kitchen with the chief cook a little bit just to ease the stress, but there is really nothing that will ease the stress of cooking that big, big bird, something you only do once or twice a year.
A friend related to me just this week some of the desperate phone calls made to the Butterball Turkey-Talk Hotline during the holidays. They reminded me of my own years as a prisoner of the kitchen. So I got online and looked them up.
And I laughed so hard at the following, tears rolled down my face. Enjoy the frantic calls from the turkey cook.
*“Should I remove the plastic wrap before I cook the turkey?” Uh, yes.
*“I don’t want to touch the giblets. Can I fish them out with a coat hanger?” Not a good idea but yes.
*“The turkey in my freezer is 23 years old. Is it safe to eat?” Uh, not a wise choice.
*“I don’t want to cook the whole turkey, so I cut it in half with a chainsaw. How do I get the chainsaw oil out of the turkey?” Uh, throw turkey away and go out to eat.
*“I scrubbed my raw turkey with a toothbrush dipped in bleach for three hours. Is that enough to kill the harmful bacteria?” Throw turkey away and go out to eat.
*“Can I cook the turkey on the engine block of my semi while I’m driving? If I drive faster, will it cook faster?” Um, no.
*“My chihuahua crawled in the turkey and I can’t get him out!” Caller was told how to enlarge cavity to rescue dog. Roasted chihuahua is not a good substitute for turkey.
*“My turkey has no breast meat.” Uh, turn it over. (Cook did find the breast meat.)
*Butterball staff member asked woman what state her bird was in, meaning how thawed was it. Cook responded, “Florida.”
*“The directions say to roast the turkey but my oven only has bake or broil. How do I set it?” Bake will do it.
*“Can I thaw the frozen turkey using a hair dryer? Or wrap it in an electric blanket? Or in the aquarium? In the bathtub while kids are taking a bath?” No, No, No and No.
*“How long will it take to roast the turkey?”
How much does it weigh?
Answer: “I don’t know. It’s still running around outside.”
And finally, the most frightening question of all:
A young woman called the turkey hot-line from where she was hiding in the closet. Her question was, “My mother and my mother-in-law are in the kitchen. One says the turkey is done and one says it isn’t. What do I do?”
There is no answer listed, perhaps because even the experts do not want to get between the mother and the mother-in-law.
OK. I’ll make my one turkey confession. Yes, one year, I forgot to remove the neck and giblets. But hey, everything got cooked, and the dog sure like those giblets.
Here’s hoping your turkeys are perfect, and you have no leftovers. And, if all else fails, call 1-800-BUTTERBALL.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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